Telescope

I haven't written a word in ages as seen on my blog. I had a spell of being busier with my part time jobs and going places, visiting friends, going to CMA Fest and such.

CMA Fest was nice as always. Being in the Upper Deck was kind of bad but survived. It was hotter than the last few years and that was annoying. But already counting down to next year. Got back into the Club Level so it will be nicer next year.

What else has been going on? Hmm, my truck has something going wrong with it. I'm afraid to find out how bad the prognosis is but it isn't shifting correctly so that will probably drain more of my quickly depleting savings. But it is what it is.

I went to visit Rudy last weekend and that was fun. He said they were looking for another roommate and the rent was low. I don't find it really feasible to move 6 hours from my family. Nashville is the topper and worth moving away from my family but not sure about this other city. We had a good visit. I went to see a friend and he had more ideas about me than I knew. I told him I didn't want to go down that road with another dude in that city because every guy has dropped me like a bad habit because I live far away. I don't blame them anymore. Gosh my drive down there was horrible! But we had a nice time and what not. He showed me Hispanic culture and we went dancing and to some art galleries.

I have been OK emotionally for the most part. Then this week things kind of took a nose dive again. This fear that I am not going to find another good job, with insurance etc. again. I keep applying and rarely get a phone call or anything out of it. I have put Nashville on the back-burner again. I have now gone back to applying in state. I have hit the major cities and all. I don't know how to feel confident after being rejected so much. I have very little self esteem left. I felt pushed by Rudy to get out of the rut I'm in. And since coming home, I once again feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest being in this nowhere town.

I am looking into moving to Calvin's city. Since May, I have kind of seen him in a new light. A few evenings of more in depth texting kind of made me wonder how it would be to actually visit him. I had hoped to see him on the way back from my trip last week. It didn't pan out though. I feel kind of sad about it. I had inquired about his whereabouts prior to leaving. He didn't write again to see if in fact I was going to be able to meet or not. And like, maybe he decided to back away from the equation. I'm too chicken to break down and tell him that I feel more nervous about our friendship now than before. I have always felt that I needed to protect that friendship from flirting or crossing the line because even just feeling a little uneasy make me want to cry. And Lord knows, Calvin has read my whiny texts about every joker I have liked for nearly 8 years. But I haven't ever had any fears of losing him because it never got more than flirty. I feel like I shouldn't try to see him in person, maybe that was the sign to leave things alone. Part of my wants to come out and tell him what I'm feeling but then again that may be jumping the gun as I don't know anymore about him since I didn't get to see him in person. I have been just kind of in a mental spiral but it comes in waves and probably will be better fairly soon.

Guess I have whined enough. Back to the job boards.

I Wish That Wasn’t All

Today's post is named for the Joe Nichols song. Typically when I pick a song for the post title I listen to it to refresh myself on the song. Heck, I have tons of music. This song is about the things that we hope for but don't get. And it is not as much about settling, but appreciating the things we do have in life. It is a healing song though it brings me to tears every time I listen to it. Joe Nichols is one of my favorite artists because his songs are deep and he has lived a life that brings about those types of songs. I am glad that he seems happy now. It is a great song though so YouTube it if you haven't heard it.

Today I am feeling a bit numb and dead inside. It is another gray, rainy day and now it is rainy though Thursday. I don't know how I am going to cope much longer with everything being so damn depressing and the weather being bad on top of it! I had yet another defective product fiasco. I will email the company because I am litigious when something doesn't work. It was so aggravating and I genuinely feel like everything is going wrong in my life; down the little things. I freely admit to being insufferable. Yesterday wasn't that great. Mom and I got into it over my room being cluttered. I have boxes from when I lived away; kitchen stuff, posters in frames, a chair, etc. Anyway, my room at home is tiny and I don't have space for any of it. I had thought I'd be here temporarily but I have been marooned here for months. So anyway, we got into an argument over it so I boxed up some old stuff and took it to Goodwill. My room is still full and actually looks worse now. But I got some of it out of the way. While I was in town, I drove around and tried to clear my mind. It didn't really work too well.

Last night I put School of Rock on so I could laugh or feel less dead inside. It didn't really pep me up that much. I did apply for some more jobs. And some in the city where my ex-friends live. I decided I would message one of them and see if chatting with him would work. We ended up chatting for several hours. It went ok I suppose. Then I watched SNL and a couple of the skits got my laughing. The "Be Brave" (Say What You Need to Say) skit actually spurred me to tell him how I really felt about some stuff. Kind of the being brave thing. A few weeks back he posted on Facebook something about being a dog person and disliking cats. I am a cat person and I commented on it. Then my ex-friend and another friend chimed in dissing cats. The disliking cats didn't get to me as much as the three people I used to consider close friends posting together and things not being the same anymore bothered me more. Then we talked about how life makes connections change. It can go either way I suppose. I'm at about my limit of trying to stay in touch with a few old friends. If it always me reaching out; it just proves I care more and I'm not willing to keep up that charade with the people.

March has begun and praying with all hope it is better than February! Working at the store this week so will be out and about. Thursday and Friday I talked less to the customers. I didn't want to get involved into anything or talk particularly. Perhaps this week I will be a bit more alive. There are at least things to look forward to and with each passing month it gets closer to the Foreigner and Night Ranger concert in May and CMA Fest in June. Fest is always the best week of the year. I have contemplated driving up to Nashville alone once it gets warmer and pester places in person and see if I can get a job. Or maybe go out to visit Calvin and look for jobs in his city. Something needs to change soon because each passing week I am in this nowhere town; I am losing pieces of my soul.

If My Truck Could Talk

Tonight my post title is the Jason Aldean track from his "Old Boots New Dirt" album. I will go into this soon.

I wanted to write last night but I had to go to bed early. However, I had a restless night of dreams and random insomnia for what seemed like most of the night. I hate when I need to rest my brain and it fights me. The dream set me off really but given how my day went, it was about par for the course. Thankfully I did get some sleep though I was grumpy most of the day.

I went to work and it was cold and gray; not many customers. Perfect storm for getting down and depressed. Yesterday my boss and I talked about various things and she is easy to talk to most of the time. She asked me about why I thought the interviews didn't go well and I told her because I get really nervous. I mentioned to her how I was better on medication and she told me that she is also on medicine and understood the struggle. Work yesterday was fairly calm and there weren't many customers. The store radio has been stuck on the 2008-2009 station so that is bittersweet to hear those songs again. It is frustrating being stuck in a rut, but I am not alone. Lots of my friends are struggling in some area of life. I know we're taught that we are meant to endure suffering and goodness knows it could be worse. Then again it would be nice is something better came along. Today there were less customers and my boss left me to go see a person speak at the chapel service. I did get to do some research of sorts to keep my mind occupied for a bit. By the end of the day; however, I was needing to escape. The gray weather and it being dark makes me so tense and I took a drive yesterday and today to relax but it really made me more amped up and aggressive. I revved my truck and honked at people. They deserved it though. Some idiot was texting while driving and another ran a red light. I just felt very tense and even when I got home I didn't feel any better.

My mind keeps telling me the same thing, a reoccurring thing. I feel like Inception where an idea is implanted and has remained for years. All my friends tell me to get past it and I am trying. I don't know how to just decide not to believe it anymore; especially when reality keeps reinforcing my negative thought, idea, belief what have you.

Now to the meat and potatoes of my post. Despite my evening drives not helping my current depression, I do love my pickup truck. It was something I thought about for a long time and looked until I found exactly what I wanted. Bought it out right with my own money. I love that. I posted on Instagram last night about how empowering it is having my truck.

So many country songs revolve about the man driving some chick around in his truck. Admittedly, when I have been riding in trucks with boys it has been fun. Matt and I went out late one night and were down some back roads. He wasn't handsy and respected my wishes. He is a bit older, but alas we're no longer friends. I miss that friendship even though it was doomed to fail like the rest. Then, the other time was more exciting and fun; doubt it will happen again with that guy though. I am too emotional and scare off males. But at least having my own truck I can at least enjoy being up high, queen of the road. Sometimes I just cruise around with a pretty, maroon truck that growls with a dual exhaust. And since I road with the last guy, I have driven a little more aggressively so I can hear my truck more. But once I fill it up next time I will go back to driving normally. I am older and need to drive my age; not like I am 20.

The Aldean song I named this post on talks about the truck knowing dirt and secrets on its owners. My truck probably would just shake its head at me. I haven't done anything crazy in it. The previous owners probably did. Heck, I found a bullet in the tape deck months after I bought it. That freaked me out. But I have made a few trips to Sidnie's in my truck. Went to the beach last year in it. I got compliments on it from strangers and still do. I've become more of a Chevy person since I got it. I'm not one of those hateful truck people but some of my friends have made snarky comments about it. Something about having a truck is more fun. I still have my car and drive it some and it is more comfortable in a lot of ways but I don't like it as much. It is nice having an option when gas prices go up and I want to go places more often.

Tomorrow I am going to down and visit Stephanie. Mark and baby Jordan. I haven't seen them in over a month and Jordan has changed a lot. I will probably go down and visit Maggie too and make the rounds in my old town. I do hate that I moved because I met some great people in that tiny town. I think God has told me that I was wrong to quit and move home, but all I can do is try to find something else and make peace with myself. It would be easier with some medication. I think seeing my friends will help a lot. Stephanie is kind of a tough love chick sometimes and has hurt my feelings on some things but I know that she meant it in a loving way. Life is just a never ending strings of worries and what ifs. But anyway, it Is almost time for Dateline and I must go watch it. Thanks for reading if you're reading this. Blogging is always a fun hobby.

Finest Hour

Tonight's title comes from the Duran Duran track from their Astronaut album. It has become an anthem for me over the years. It is hopeful and haunting; is my kind of song. "Gonna take it back/you've gotta fight for what you believe…" I think I need songs like that in my life right now. I really want to be happier.

Well sure enough the powers at be closed the school over the snow. I was OK with that because I didn't sleep well last night and when my alarm went off, I did not want to face that campus. I grabbed my phone and had a text from my boss saying that the campus had in fact shut down for the day. I then saw my younger school pals posting pictures of their shenanigans. However, I didn't really notice any significant entries. I went outside and took pictures of my vehicles with snow on them and that was about it.

Today I did decide to read my favorite research papers I wrote in college. It was from my junior year, my first semester at the university. My professors pushed me to prove that a community college transfer was as good as the rest. The paper was intense as it was primary-source based, and I remember spending many hours in the library looking up newspapers from the 1850s and 1860s. I loved it! I went to the local historical museum and looked up deed records and private letters of the man for which I wrote the paper. He was a prominent businessman in the town. The paper was a great process from initially choosing a topic on two homes and it morphed into the life and murder of the man who designed the homes. Gosh, I miss being in the history field. The thrill of looking into the past and my love architecture goes right along with it. Reading that paper I thought about one of the homes. It has since been converted into a bar and grill. I wonder what the architect would think about that. I was torn about it. Sure, it was nice to keep the historical home standing and redoing it. On the other hand, the addition was not historically accurate and thus makes the home less appealing in my eyes. History is lost on so many people. I don't want to sound pretentious but it is the truth. Take Nashville, for instance. The city is moving toward more modern architecture and the rapid growth of the city is making developers destroy old homes and businesses to put in modern monstrosities. I find it quite sickening. But I digress. I try not to brag because I am not that type. But that paper I was proud of and my professor gave me an A on it and it was published in the university publication with other chosen works by professors. I felt like I really accomplished something with that paper, and the other historical research papers. I wrote one on the Jewish influence in the town. I chose that topic because I felt like their story needed to me told. I interviewed a prominent Jewish couple in town and I was fascinated learning more about Judaism. That was my goal in college; to pick obscure topics. I also enjoyed combining my two fields; Mass Communication and History. The paper I wrote on Christian Camp Meetings in the 1800s was less primary-source based but still fun to research. I used articles on spatial arrangement of the meetings and communication based research factors and plugged in the historical aspects. Just remembering these papers, makes me miss learning. Then the senior thesis was the most work but probably still second favorite paper after the junior paper. I researched the historical homes in a small town just north of here and wrote a paper on how the economy of the town throughout history effected the homes. It went from being a "boom town" to "decrepit" then tourism saved it from the brink. Most of the research I did in my junior year as the internship for my Communications degree. I got in touch with a photographer who wanted to do a coffee table book on the historical homes and the various architectural styles. I ended up spending the semester writing blurbs about multiple homes and eventually the photographer did publish the book. I never got a copy, which was kind of a bummer considering I worked very hard and wrote a fair amount of it. I was given credit as a research assistant, so I least I got my name in the book. I know I tend to dwell on negative memories from my university years but on the education side, it was wonderful. I loved most of my professors and still love when I get to catch up with them. Those years really are what shape a person.

I have often felt that I have gotten dumber since 2009, because after graduating I haven't really done anything very historical on my own. When I typed and assisted Jake with his research papers in grad school that helped fill the void I had from being away from the field. I enjoyed living vicariously through his work. People often suggest I go back and get my Master's in history. Again, I feel like part of my intelligence has been lost being away from class for so long. When I was trying to tutor Brianna last week on history I felt like I couldn't communicate what I needed to in the best way. It is easy to unlearn how it is to be a student. I wasn't like most anyway. I genuinely loved it all while many blow off class or tests just to have fun. Perhaps if I have been a dorm chick I would've been that way but I lived at home. But I was OK with that because that is how I got to go to my university.

Otherwise, today I decided to fire up my keyboard and play it again. The piano is thoroughly out of tune as am I, so I plugged in my headphones and tried to relearn some of the songs I used to have memorized. I really feel ashamed that I let myself get that rusty in playing the piano. I think it will come back. My goal is to relearn the songs I played at my last recital 10 years ago. Good grief, I don't want to think about how long ago that really is even thought I have photo proof of 18-year old me. Thank God I look about the same and can still wear the same dress. That is a bright spot. It was nice playing music. I turned off all my Wi-Fi stuff and settled into my music. I need to get back into those old hobbies. I plan to pick up a paint brush again soon, once the weather gets better. It isn't ideal painting when it is overcast.

My online friends and still hanging in with my. Cameron suggested I avoid Facebook for a month. I probably need to, but I don't know if I can. I entertained doing that before. I think realizing being a "Wounded Rhino" about stupid stuff is my issue not Facebook. I did end up commenting on the guy's post today. He 'liked' some of my posts lately. Maybe I can deal with that as our communication. I would prefer a bit more than that. Who knows? I could get a job somewhere else soon. I pray that is the case, then I will meet new people who are more age appropriate. I think last week's IM chat made is more obvious to both of us that the age difference makes conversation tricky. At this point, probably a store interaction would probably be the safest chance at moving forward from the odd interaction. I don't have experience in being friends with guys after there is an attraction factor. It usually goes bad and I block them on Facebook.

Which reminds me, today my ex-coworkers posted pictures of the snow at the paper office. I saw one of that last jerk I dated; the one who text-dumped while I was on vacation. Guess I know if I go by to visit my friends that I will need to meet them for lunch rather than going to the office. However, only a handful of my friends are still at the paper anyway so it isn't like it was before Stephanie and Amanda left. I still miss that field. The design thing was nice and I probably was better at that than if I have been a reporter.

Anyway, I have rattled on for nearly 1,500 words about me. It is on my list to go back to a more examination of life as a whole rather than a diary of sorts. Bear with me readers, I am in fact a work in progress. But I must go my TV shows come on soon. My shows can brighten my evenings even when the days suck.

I Don't Care

Why do parents say stuff that hurts? I suppose they mean well in most cases but wow it cuts deeply. An off the cuff comment just said what my heart has been struggling with for a week.

Tonight we had a cooking show on and Mom said she wanted to go to Europe. I said I would go to Germany and see Lars. Mom goes, "I'd think your be tired of visiting guys. It doesn't go well for you."

That hurt my feelings so badly. Admittedly when I have visited guy friends, it hasn't gone well and I have felt totally lousy for over a week now from my latest mishap.

Of course I didn't tell her that she hurt my feelings because she always comes back at me that I am too weak and thin skinned. It is true and I need to feel stronger but rude comments about my failed friendships only makes me feel worse.

What really sucks it that I was having a better day overall. I had decided to be OK starting today and let it go. And I edited last night's blog and spent nearly two hours writing. It was great. I was trying to distract myself from my pain.

I chatted with my online friends. And watched Friends on Netflix. It was sleeting today so I stayed inside all day. I guess I'll be home until Wednesday when I go back to work.

My real friends (online and real life) have been supportive albeit a tad bit harsh in some ways. Stephanie made a comment tonight that kind of irked me. But after I cooled down I wrote back to her. I tend to get angry and just avoid the conflict until I get over it. She wasn't off base with her opinion but it again it just stung a bit with the current pain. I texted Calvin and told him if I ever was a pest that I could disappear. He wrote back that I was great and not to worry. That helped. I'm my own worst enemy. But I have to do better. This cannot go on much longer. Going to head to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Dream Collapsing

Watching the Oscars tonight and thinking about the movies that are my friends when I am down.

As Good as it Gets [1997]
I love it so much. I fell in love with Greg Kinnear. And I love the story and the film score. When I need a great movie I pop that into my DVD player. Nicholson's character was mean but lovable. And to see OCD in film was nice. It really can be a debilitating problem in many ways. 

Great Expectations [1998]

What can I say? I love movie when people are miserable and dealing with unrequited love. Ethan Hawke's character pining for his I love was painful and poignant. Plus he was easy on the eyes in the 90s. Paltrow's character was heartless and made no effort to help him deal with his pain. She only made it ten times worse through the film. I also enjoyed Chris Cooper's character as the rough and tumble uncle. And De Niro as the crazy convict was nice. 

He's Just not Into You [2010]
Self-explanatory that this would be my saga. I relate to embarrassingly awkward Gigi. And while I love the movie as a whole, her story-line is my favorite. That movie makes me cry every time but it is therapeutic. Somehow I always think that I will end up with a guy friend but in every case, it has only ended the friendship. That is why I am trying to avoid that fatal error again. In fact, I am trying to listen to the advice of that movie by not contacting the guy first. It is painful feeling that I am not missed or noticed and I have tried to avoid posting depressing stuff on Facebook other than some song lyrics but even that could be about other things besides a stupid misstep with another human. 

The Holiday [2006]

I have a hard time deciding between He's Just Not Into You and The Holiday as my favorite chick flick. I think the Holiday gets my vote because of how much I relate to Winslet's character. When I watch the film, sometimes I only watch her story-line. It isn't that I dislike Diaz and Law's love story but it isn't as much my life so far. I find Winslet wallowing over that awful ex so much more my speed. Gosh, I hated that guy because I had a watered down version of her story. Right down to the random engagement out of nowhere and the guy saying, "sorry kiddo." That still makes my blood boil when I think back to that time. However, I was like Winslet. I opened that door again year later. I think it was spurred by taking anti-depressants and feeling like I was invincible. Regardless, I had several months of an electric flirty friendship only to be crushed again via text. I can say today that I will never, ever open that door again. I got my gumption, wrote a handwritten letter, and said goodbye to the weirdest part of my life. I did love Jack Black's character too. That scene where he and Winslet are bemoaning love is greatness. I have the quote saved on my computer. It is so true. That "ache in places you didn't know you had inside you...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy." That whole monologue captures the pain. But she gets over it and that is the takeaway. And Black acknowledging he went after the bad girl; knowing it was foolish. It is nice seeing the guy having to deal with a lousy woman. The movie perpetuates that friendship-to-relationship situation. I guess it works sometimes, but not in my experience. It only wrecks friendships and leaves a whole in your heart that is worse than a normal breakup. But one must hope for something better to happen. 

Reality Bites [1993]
I love this movie! It was an old movie by the time I first watched it, but the characters I relate to because they are flawed and try to find their place in society. I just enjoy that movie. Good songs in it too. Again, Ethan Hawke stole the show for me as the dark and disturbed Troy. That ends up being the type of guy I look for; even as that is foolish as hell. Ryder's character as the kind of pretentious, college graduate clawing for any kind of meaningful job it something I am well-versed in. I kind of took that route with my current situation. She had a mean boss and quit; only to have to take a lower paying job to survive. She made it and got the dark and disturbed fellow in the end. I hope to find a normal man though; one who isn't a crazy poet or something. 

500 Days of Summer [2009]
The hard look at love and longing is refreshing. Zooey and JGL shine in it. And I can relate to both characters' point of views. And while the ending irks my best friend to where she calls it "unwatchable" I forgive the cheesy ending for the rest of the movie. Who hasn't met someone and immediately thought that they were perfect? We choose to only see the great things and then tell lies to ourselves when things happen that are terrible come to the surface. Zooey's character wasn't wrong in the sense that she told him that she didn't want a relationship. At the same time, he was was also right that friends don't treat each other like she treated him! To me my favorite part was the reality-expectations sequence. I have so been there, pretty much every time I try something I have expectations that fall very short of what reality brings. I truly want to do better next time because it is very detrimental to my mental health to have a belief that things will work out.  

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind [2004]
I love this movie! Carrey and Winslet shined in this movie. I loved the premise and Joel's pain and how he needed to let go; while feeling the need to keep his memories. Been there, done that. It was such a thought provoking film. To this day, memories play out in mind's eye that hit me when I am on a certain stretch of highway. I blogged about that years ago, so that remains as a refresher to the memories. I toyed with the idea of scrapping that whole old blog because of the painful memories. I chose to keep it, setting it to private so only I can remember that time. Besides that old blog has totally unrelated stories from Junior College, vacations, time with friends and family. So it is worthwhile to keep the thing as a whole.  

The Little Mermaid [1989]
The one that started my movie loving life. I still love it, the songs and relate to Ariel. It makes me happy watching it. I have felt like Ariel quite a bit in my adult. Kind of trapped in a life where I am expected to be one person but feeling like I am not that person at all. "Part of Your World" signifies my desire to escape small town life and be in the city "where the people are." Should their be a beautiful blue eyed man there too, that would be great! But I digress. Similarly, I also love Beauty and the Beast and relate to Belle because she felt out of place in her environment and longed for more. Plus, she had the need to change a flawed man into a prince. I think most women have that need even though it never works! Even in that movie the Prince Adam changed by his choice. There is hope for people to change but they have to make that choice to grow up. 

Well, this blog is less mopey tonight. I have been wallowing in self-pity long enough and going to force myself out of my funk. It may be tricky with the bad weather and lingering cough but going to try to feel better. Regardless I will be happy by Wednesday when I am back on campus. Not going to let foolishness get to me anymore! So what if the guy didn't care to stay in touch as much as I wanted? There are other people to talk to around there. Well back to watching the Oscars.

Nothing Left to Say

Nothing Left to Say Lyrics

I chose this Imagine Dragons tune as my post soundtrack today. This song has been one of my favorites on the first album. With a lot of Imagine Dragons' songs, I kind of picture people from my past who were lost in themselves. I feel lost in myself sometimes and the songs speak to my heart. Sometimes I think listening to sad songs kind of make things worse, but in a way it is good. I mean, some people need to cry it out. I remember that "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode where Deborah listening to that song to make herself cry.

I have been pretty emotional lately and I chalk it up to several factors. However, a good bit is that February and March are not very good months generally speaking. February 2009, my first car burned and that anniversary was this week. Then in 2008, things were good for that month or so but that was short-lived. As I type this I know my readers will be like, "Good grief, it has been ages let it go!" And I have for the most part. It is just when stuff in my current life parallel events from years ago the internal dialogue changes into, "You're a fool for letting the same scenario play out again!" I kind of feel like going through and blocking more people online again for my own psyche. I was telling one friend today that I thought about leaving Facebook but if I block the ones who bother me I wouldn't have to stop talking to my close online friends.

This week of weather is supposed to be fairly terrible. I could work at the store all week when my boss texted me but I was afraid of icy roads and said I couldn't be available Monday or Tuesday. I hate to turn down money but I also do go out in icy conditions unless it is an emergency. I kind of want to be back in the store instead of being home feeling sorry for myself. However, being in the store makes me nervous. I doubt my young "friend" would come in there if he knew I was working. The worst thing about that whole deal is that I don't know where I stand. I feel kind of sheepish about the whole thing. Getting back into the store and that routine might help me mend myself though. Being at home whining isn't a good thing. Maybe folding and hanging clothes and shipping books would be good therapy. My new friend Brianna has been nice. She texted me Thursday saying she went to the store to see me and was disappointed that I wasn't there. I felt good that someone noticed my absence. I have missed seeing Joey, the maintenance man, who comes in just about every day. He was the one my coworker embarrassed by asking if he was married and tried to pair off with me. Then there is the school counselor. I think he is the nicest man and he is cute too. Brittany suggested I go see him but I would only get a crush on my therapist which would be a whole other problem. In the words of Dana Carvey "not gonna do it."

I texted my friend Calvin about how I was feeling. He has been there through most of my crazy mishaps over the past seven years. He has been really awesome; checking in and all. From the outside looking in my life a loop of hope and failure. But people keep telling me to keep trying and it will get better. Calvin suggested going to the Imagine Dragons concert in the summer. I would really like that but I fear if I went out and visited him in person the same scenario would play out and I'd lose yet another friend. And I don't want to lose someone else.

Charlene also pushes me to take chances. I have tried to do better. I mean all the goofiness of the last month was spurred by my attempt at not overthinking and acting on my immediate wants and desires. I went and met one of my Instragram friends. It was awkward and kind of unpleasant, but I did it! Flirted wildly with someone else and got at least some fun and giggles. Realized that I am not that type of girl to be spontaneous. So maybe that is a lesson in itself. Logical minds are fraught with pain and stories.

 

 

The Song Remembers When

Well cheers subconscious and memories, you stole my happiness yet again. It was bound to happen with working in that bloody store and being on campus. The minor crushes weren't too detrimental until I started talking to one guy more. That turned into a weird thing with two meetings and some making out. Yes, it was fun and exciting to act wilder but at the same time I felt bad about it. It would be minor to most people but I'm a logical human. I don't kiss random men. I was not myself last Thursday.

However worse than anything, the dude has been quiet and I feel bad. I can't say I feel used because I pursued him but at the same time I feel like I have been totally rejected even as a friend. 

Then issue is in my mind I feel like this is a rehash of what happened in college years ago and for some reason I invite this kind of scenario. I don't know if it is that guys who fit that type are just like that or if it is me. I know it is me. Normal women don't pursue young guys like I do. Maybe I wanted a chance to try to be slightly different this time and see if I could have fun. But even in the moment I felt uncomfortable because he didn't want anyone to know that we were hanging out and I didn't like feeling like a secret. I keep thinking about the Perks of Being a Wallflower line about accepting "the love we think we deserve." I know my self esteem is low and I just don't demand any kind of positive treatment because I don't feel like any guy would put up with me.

What startled me is that the current guy was like a composite drawing blending two people I knew 6 years ago. So obviously I still long for that looking fella.

It has been a week since all of this crazy drama and I have been pretty frustrated in general. Plus job opportunities aren't working out. Three interviews in 3 weeks and no luck. That adds to my sadness. I'm lonely then jobless too. Today I applied at different cities.

One friend wants me to move to his city. It isn't Nashville and that is my dream but I don't feel like my dreams will come true. I'm just so tired of being sad and disappointed.

My online friends have been very helpful while I've been a basket case. I appreciate their concern for me. These waves of depression come and go and when this one passes I'll will feel better.

My Kind of...This is How I Roll

Proof that every country song still sounded the same in 2014

This article and supporting evidence in the video of the sound bites of some of the top songs of 2014. I knew that many of the recent country songs sounded similar but this was just plain ridiculous! While I do like Luke Bryan and some of Blake Shelton's music, there is no denying they sing simple songs some of the time. Then some are better and have more emotional connections. "Drink a Beer" and "God Gave me You" respectively are examples that come to mind.

I recently have begun talking to a country DJ and he talks about the "throw away" songs. And it is true! Everything is the same. I listened to his 90's at 9 again last night and loved being reminded of the good songs of the 90's. I think country fans need to demand artists to sit down and write meaningful songs again.

Not every country fan is wanting to ride around in a truck with a chick, drink whiskey and I am a woman who doesn't want to be compared to whiskey or some other booze. There is more to life and people know this!

The songs written and preformed on ABC's Nashville have more meaning and melody than what is on the radio and since it is soundtrack music country radio doesn't play it. It is kind of a bummer.

My DJ friend went to CMA Fest a few years but now has given it up because of the new acts being so flat and generic. I don't like a lot of the new people as much as the older ones. That is why I prefer the other venue acts at Fest rather than the stadium shows. I mean, there are some exceptions of the current big stars but typically I like artists of the 90's.

I doubt country will get back to the good songs anytime soon because the current monotonous music is selling so well. It all confuses me. Maybe fans don't know better, maybe they didn't listen to the older music. Plus it is that I grew up in the 90's so that is what I know most.

Classic country of the older eras should be ashamed of today's songs as well. It is a farce at times. I don't want to name names in my post lest I get the wrath of fans but it is frustrating seeing people swaying and all to lame music!

Another Try

Well another week has passed in my boring life. It wasn't all that bad I don't suppose. However, another weekend and I'm alone. I should be used to it by now and I am but oh so tired of it. I find myself wanting to snipe at people online who are positive. I just don't have that spirit. It was passed through heredity to be negative. Mom says she is positive but really she can make anything negative; especially if it is some thing where I may or may not have acted correctly.

This week work was up and down. The students were back so I tried to tone down my personality somewhat. I thought it worked with my favorite student I had observed but after adding each other on Facebook he failed to respond to a message I sent. Oh well. Then one I thought was flirty ended up being engaged. I don't know what was the deal there. My coworker is trying to set me up with a maintenance man but my boss think that the dude has asperger's or something so that is off putting. I mean I would hope I could land a guy without developmental problems. Mom of course blamed me for my coworker doing that because I let her know I was desperate. That negative talk is soul sapping. But perhaps she's right. I tried not to overly talk too anyone. I also scared the older guy away when he was texting me about kids and I wasn't warm to the idea. I figured he was searching for a younger chick for spawn. I found the whole conversation creepy since we hadn't even dated and he gets on the kid topic.

Yesteray I had to call in sick after I got ill from the sub shop on campus. Art least I think that was the culprit. I felt terrible all Wednesday night and all day. I felt bad being sick. At least I was more accepted being sick than back at the paper. You'd get shamed into working sick and I did!

Another round of ugly weather will hurt my spirit for days. It really gets to me. The grayness just makes me sad on top of being generally depressed. I guess I should get to sleep before I drop my phone on my face while blogging. Until next time. 

Is That Asking too Much

This year I'm Resolving to Ban Laptops from My Classroom

One of my college friends shared this article this morning. She is an older student who is now working on her PHD. We met in 2007 and had several history classes together in the two and a half years that I was there. She commented on this article saying that she will not let students have phones or laptops when she is teaching. I have to agree on that.

Technology has made people multitask too much. The article mentions students who are plugged up with headphones in class and not paying attention. I saw this when I was in college but more so in the year or so that I worked with students. While I agree that responsibility lies on the distracted student, I also know from experience that it is also distracting being around laptop note takers. Some of us are finicky with noises and the pecking on the keys is irritating. Of course, that is small potatoes but still a distracting element of being in class.

The studies mentioned in the article reflect what I have thought all along. That retention is better when handwritten. It takes more effort and for visual learners I think it also is easier to remember something that has been looked at for a longer time and perhaps more than notes. How often do people sit down at the computer to do something or read something, get online, and forget what he or she started looking for. It happens all the time.

Even as I started to write this blog post, I had the idea three hours ago and just now got back to my original idea. If more teachers and professors tried to lessen the computers in the class I suspect students would enjoy class more as they would have to be more involved in the material.

 

I remember some classes where no one seemed to be participating just sat there looking at the clock on the wall waiting to be released. Thankfully in history and mass communication classes more all of us were people who enjoyed the material and I remember lots of stirring discussions. It made for wonderful classes.

Everything I Love

"Everything I Love" by Alan Jackson gets to be my song of the post. Today is the first of 2015 and what have I done today? Been nostalgic as Hell about everything under the sun.

Neflix putting Friends on streaming got me watching one of my favorite shows of the 90's. I have watched several episodes today and some Melrose Place. It was a good day for drowning in the past. It has rained all day so I didn't have anything better to do. Watching Friends reminded me of how much I love Matthew Perry. No matter how many failed sitcoms he tries, I watch them and enjoy seeing him. I probably relate the most to Monica but I think Rachel is my favorite of the Friends girls. Sidnie told me that she likes Phoebe and Ross the best. And I obviously had a big thing for Chandler.

But I digress but nostalgia is the main theme of this post. I am 28 and I dare say that I have been nostalgic all my life. I even feel nostalgic for the 80's even though I was a small kid. Thankfully I do vividly remember things from when I was three and some of the iconic 80's things stuck into my mind. I have consistently enjoyed 80's pop and rock music all my life and the movies as well. I often wonder how it would've been to be a teen of the 80's.

As I type this I am listening to my collection of 90's country. Growing up home schooled and an only child, I had a lot of radio listening time. I was telling Justin this the other night about lying in the dark and listening to the radio and soaking it all in. I truly miss the country songs of the 90's. It is weird to prefer 80's rock and 90's country. It isn't that I didn't listen to pop of the 90's and 2000's but it didn't stick in my soul like the 90'a country. Plus, it was in the late 90's when my parents took me to Nashville the first time and that really did change my life. Nashville has become a mirage and a distraction in my life and continues to be a goal for me. The years listening to those songs on my RCA radio and taping the songs I loved most. I remember "Goodnight Sweetheart" by David Kersh. It was one of my favorites and "If I Were You" by Terri Clark. For a time stations played 90's radio shows but in my area they stopped and I miss it. However, they rarely played the obscure songs. I have a song that I may request when I call Justin's show. I haven't heard it in gosh 10 years so I want to see if he can find it to play.

Nostalgia goes beyond music as I try to push thoughts out of my mind today of two people who I have had to let go this year. One's birthday is today and the other's tomorrow. I was talking to Charlene earlier about it. I'm not falling into that memory trap because it only causes those two to win another battle. Gosh I think back on 2014 and it was really a lousy year. If this one is even a tad bit better, I'll be ahead. Nostalgia will continue regardless.

Shake it Off

For all my hopes that 2014 would be good. It was horrible. Started horrible, continued to be horrible,  and the brief time in the summer when I thought things would get better I only got stomped on again. My bad year has made me more disgusted with people in general. But I am used to disappointment and jerks so I'll just keep on.

One thing I wanted to do is post the songs of 2014 that got my through.

Shake it Off -Taylor Swift
Rollercoaster -Luke Bryan
Happy - Pharrel
Somewhere in my Car -Keith Urban
Dark Horse -Katy Perry
Demons and Radioactive by Imagine Dragons
Lonely Eyes -Chris Young
Crash my Party -Luke Bryan
and other songs too but I'm not in the mood to write too much.

I'm just so mentally exhausted and heartbroken but it can't last forever. I hope not. I may edit this post tomorrow with more songs and such.

Nowhere Bound

This is one of my favorite Diamond Rio songs. I loved the video. I have had a crush on Marty Roe for a long time. Even as the band ages they remain one of my favorite country bands.

But I picked it as my soundtrack for this post because of feeling so fed up with my town and that there is nothing new here. Just the same as it was when I was a kid. I had a case of road rage when I got off work today. Slow moving traffic grinds my gears. But at least there isn't traffic jams.

Work today was more of the shipping loads of books to different college bookstores all over. I have enjoyed learning this skill set. It is quiet and I feel kind of like a librarian. I have learned a lot of knowledge on ISBN numbers and how books are shipped and sold. There is a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes.

My bummer of the day was hearing Sidnie got sick and we postponed the visit until her birthday in a few weeks. I am sad but the weather is lousy so best to stay home.

I got home and started chatting up my friends. It has been a good evening. Tonight I was messaging Justin from Ohio and we exchanged numbers. I told him I had only given my number to one friend from the Internet. However, I think he is a good guy. I want to call in on the 90s at 9 and make a request sometime soon. I want to pick a good song too. It is nice to find a kindred spirit.
Sidnie texted me that she was IMing a guy she was playing Trivia Crack with. She was nervous but was chatting. I told her that it can be fun. She did she was dipping her toe into the water. Hope he is a real person. I have only had suspicions a couple of times that someone was strange. I avoided them once I got creeped out. Well must go to bed. It is getting late.  

Want You More

Tonight I spent most of my evening chatting with my online friends. I talked to 5 different people and neglected texting my real life friends. I was more interested in my online people.

My German friend Lars sent me a brief video today and I heard his voice. I really have enjoyed talking to him. And while we use translator apps, it works. I'm sad that he lives so far away. I have another friend in Mexico, Salvador. He is interesting too being a chef and a brewer. And several friends in the states. Talked to three Americans tonight.

I am kind of feeling guilty in a way. Several of these dudes have shown interest in the "what if" we meet and going to the next level in either relationship or at the least meeting.

That is what brings my pangs of guilt. I like all of these people and most are people I would be attracted to in person. But the fear of online dating keeps me from accepting the idea of the offers.

Plus distance and I realize that sounds lame after I complained about being dumped over distance. Though the fear of online dating trumps distance. But at any rate I still enjoy all the different friends. It just comes down to boundaries I suppose.

I'm just so tired of rejection in real life that I avoid the subject while online. I'm an coward to this stuff. I ended up signing off so I could avoid the subject tonight. Anyway I have to get up early so signing off here too. Just needed to get my feelings on.

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

‘ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND': ARGUABLY, THE FINEST FILM OF THIS CENTURY.

I shared this TheCinemaholic.com article on my social media pages the other day and I wrote a brief blog of sorts. I felt like writing about it more today. It is another cold and rainy day, which only causes me to be introspective and want to think about life.

I wouldn't go as far as this author went to say it was the best movie of the century, but it is a very thought provoking film. The cinematography, music score and everything really made it shine besides the plot, characters and actors involved.  

I watched this 2004 film for the first time in probably in 2011 or 2012. It struck a cord with me as I remembered people and moments back in college. This movie made me contemplate how it is to be an extremely sentimental person. I related to Joel's (Carrey) struggle dealing with his memories of Clementine (Winslet). I contemplated a life without pesky memories while watching the film. How sweet would it be to not remember the little things? How lovely to not see traits in others who remind me of people of the past which causes you to pause with a slight twinge of pain your heart?

It goes beyond just the memories of one particular person, or it does in my case at least. It has been five years since I graduated college. It bothers me that it has been that long because in my heart it only seems like yesterday. Part of the reason it is that way is because my current job is back on campus. I cannot really escape the memories. Good, bad, happy, sad; they all play out in my mind’s eye while I am on campus. It would be nice to remove the sad memories but it would also remove aspects that were good. And furthermore, it would remove the connected positive memories with friends who were around the ones I no longer have contact with anymore.

My best friend Sidnie and I bonded through the negative actions of one person we knew. If we hadn’t had those bad memories to bond over, I might not have her in my life today. That to me makes all of the lunacy that occurred during those years worth it to me. Heck, we even invented an angst reduction game called Plinko Ball. That is the mark of a true friendship co-creating a game right? A study said that if people are friends for longer than seven years, that they will likely be lifelong friends. It will be 7 years around March of next year. I kind of hope to have some sort of “friend-a-versary” sometime next year.

Time really has flown by in regards to the positive memories. And that is another weird thing with memories. The sad stuff doesn’t seem as old and forgotten as the fun times do. Perhaps the perception of the memories. Introspective and sentimental people hang onto everything and others who aren’t move on and don’t look back. I like being sentimental because I feel that it makes me a better friend and such. But that is just me.  

So I see why in the middle of the procedure Joel changes his mind. No one would want to remember life if he or she only looked at the bad memories. It is understandable to be a pessimist. I am one because all the time that I have tried to be optimistic things come crashing down. Currently, I just try to avoid anything that will make me open up to people.

I think when the students return I will be a mute while I’m working at the bookstore. I had marginal success in some cases, but I am still feeling foolish about two incidents. I hope to redeem myself in those cases. Introverts can be really awkward but once you give us a chance we can be normal. We just need understanding and a little patience.  I suppose I have rattled enough for one post. Have a lovely day everyone.

Everyday I Write the Book

This is not my first blog experience and probably will not be my last. I have been an avid writer all of my life. I knew at a young age that I had the artist and writer genes. But that isn't my aim to go into a long winded "creation story" like all the superhero movies do. I am 28, 29 coming up in March. I feel younger, act younger, and feel trapped in a childlike life. I keep trying to break out of that with limited amounts of success. I previously blogged on here for several years. However, I did not want to have my morose college life still connected to my online blogging. I have since closed that old blog down and hope to write more in broad terms rather than personal rants on people I know. Or at least I will refrain from names and details. That is the adult way to go right?

 As I did with my old blog, I title entries on songs that go with the said topic. This one is an Elvis Costello song from the 80's. I related to it back when I was in college. I want this blog to be more about how events in life relate to larger themes in life.

I think I will write about online correspondence in my maiden post. I was late to the internet game. The first chance I had to get online was when I was 14. I was naive to it and I jumped into chat rooms and message boards for teens. It was all fun and games until I encountered some freaky acting people. I remember being scared that they'd somehow find me and get me. Ever since I have been extremely cautious with chatting with strangers. I still do not post my name or location to just anyone on the internet. People have to earn that right and a few have. Anyway, over the years I have found some pretty close friends in several states and some in other countries. I think it is just easier opening up to someone when I cannot see if they're judging me or thinking "who is this nerd?" I have battled depression and self-esteem issues my whole life. And it keep coming back to haunt me.

Over the past month, I have found more people to talk to online. And that has helped bridge the gap. I do have friends in real life. I don't want to seem like a recluse. It is just my real life friends don't live very close anymore, so I get to see them every few months. There are some I haven't seen in years, which is even sadder.

So I go back to the online thing. It is nice to have some way to express frustration and pain to someone outside of the issue. It makes the advice seem clearer. I am currently dealing with a dilemma to let bygones by bygones and forget a frustrating incident from this past summer with a friend. I told the friend I would try and I have tried. But dang it, I'm still angry. I know that I need to forgive and forget but when I'm online and see the grinning profile picture, I kind of want to block the person. Then I examine is it me that is being to hard on them? Should I just forget about it? Then my friends, online and in real life, both said I have a right to my feelings and shouldn't let the person back into my life. The topper was last night when I was asked to remove the tags on photos from the summer when I visited. I mean, really? I so wanted to be like, "Well I can just block you again and you don't have to deal with me at all." But I am trying my best to an adult and not a whiny woman, then I blog about it. I guess it is just a raw subject.

When you grow up and are teased and all, you cling to people who actually care. I tried for too long in the past to stay friends with people who didn't care one iota if we were friends or not. In this case, I think the person wants to patch things up and I want to let it go. Maybe just day by day it will improve.

I really hope that 2015 is a better year than 2014. It was just "ugh" all away around. So that is post one. Next time I hope to be less "grr" and have a meatier topic.