Finest Hour

Tonight's title comes from the Duran Duran track from their Astronaut album. It has become an anthem for me over the years. It is hopeful and haunting; is my kind of song. "Gonna take it back/you've gotta fight for what you believe…" I think I need songs like that in my life right now. I really want to be happier.

Well sure enough the powers at be closed the school over the snow. I was OK with that because I didn't sleep well last night and when my alarm went off, I did not want to face that campus. I grabbed my phone and had a text from my boss saying that the campus had in fact shut down for the day. I then saw my younger school pals posting pictures of their shenanigans. However, I didn't really notice any significant entries. I went outside and took pictures of my vehicles with snow on them and that was about it.

Today I did decide to read my favorite research papers I wrote in college. It was from my junior year, my first semester at the university. My professors pushed me to prove that a community college transfer was as good as the rest. The paper was intense as it was primary-source based, and I remember spending many hours in the library looking up newspapers from the 1850s and 1860s. I loved it! I went to the local historical museum and looked up deed records and private letters of the man for which I wrote the paper. He was a prominent businessman in the town. The paper was a great process from initially choosing a topic on two homes and it morphed into the life and murder of the man who designed the homes. Gosh, I miss being in the history field. The thrill of looking into the past and my love architecture goes right along with it. Reading that paper I thought about one of the homes. It has since been converted into a bar and grill. I wonder what the architect would think about that. I was torn about it. Sure, it was nice to keep the historical home standing and redoing it. On the other hand, the addition was not historically accurate and thus makes the home less appealing in my eyes. History is lost on so many people. I don't want to sound pretentious but it is the truth. Take Nashville, for instance. The city is moving toward more modern architecture and the rapid growth of the city is making developers destroy old homes and businesses to put in modern monstrosities. I find it quite sickening. But I digress. I try not to brag because I am not that type. But that paper I was proud of and my professor gave me an A on it and it was published in the university publication with other chosen works by professors. I felt like I really accomplished something with that paper, and the other historical research papers. I wrote one on the Jewish influence in the town. I chose that topic because I felt like their story needed to me told. I interviewed a prominent Jewish couple in town and I was fascinated learning more about Judaism. That was my goal in college; to pick obscure topics. I also enjoyed combining my two fields; Mass Communication and History. The paper I wrote on Christian Camp Meetings in the 1800s was less primary-source based but still fun to research. I used articles on spatial arrangement of the meetings and communication based research factors and plugged in the historical aspects. Just remembering these papers, makes me miss learning. Then the senior thesis was the most work but probably still second favorite paper after the junior paper. I researched the historical homes in a small town just north of here and wrote a paper on how the economy of the town throughout history effected the homes. It went from being a "boom town" to "decrepit" then tourism saved it from the brink. Most of the research I did in my junior year as the internship for my Communications degree. I got in touch with a photographer who wanted to do a coffee table book on the historical homes and the various architectural styles. I ended up spending the semester writing blurbs about multiple homes and eventually the photographer did publish the book. I never got a copy, which was kind of a bummer considering I worked very hard and wrote a fair amount of it. I was given credit as a research assistant, so I least I got my name in the book. I know I tend to dwell on negative memories from my university years but on the education side, it was wonderful. I loved most of my professors and still love when I get to catch up with them. Those years really are what shape a person.

I have often felt that I have gotten dumber since 2009, because after graduating I haven't really done anything very historical on my own. When I typed and assisted Jake with his research papers in grad school that helped fill the void I had from being away from the field. I enjoyed living vicariously through his work. People often suggest I go back and get my Master's in history. Again, I feel like part of my intelligence has been lost being away from class for so long. When I was trying to tutor Brianna last week on history I felt like I couldn't communicate what I needed to in the best way. It is easy to unlearn how it is to be a student. I wasn't like most anyway. I genuinely loved it all while many blow off class or tests just to have fun. Perhaps if I have been a dorm chick I would've been that way but I lived at home. But I was OK with that because that is how I got to go to my university.

Otherwise, today I decided to fire up my keyboard and play it again. The piano is thoroughly out of tune as am I, so I plugged in my headphones and tried to relearn some of the songs I used to have memorized. I really feel ashamed that I let myself get that rusty in playing the piano. I think it will come back. My goal is to relearn the songs I played at my last recital 10 years ago. Good grief, I don't want to think about how long ago that really is even thought I have photo proof of 18-year old me. Thank God I look about the same and can still wear the same dress. That is a bright spot. It was nice playing music. I turned off all my Wi-Fi stuff and settled into my music. I need to get back into those old hobbies. I plan to pick up a paint brush again soon, once the weather gets better. It isn't ideal painting when it is overcast.

My online friends and still hanging in with my. Cameron suggested I avoid Facebook for a month. I probably need to, but I don't know if I can. I entertained doing that before. I think realizing being a "Wounded Rhino" about stupid stuff is my issue not Facebook. I did end up commenting on the guy's post today. He 'liked' some of my posts lately. Maybe I can deal with that as our communication. I would prefer a bit more than that. Who knows? I could get a job somewhere else soon. I pray that is the case, then I will meet new people who are more age appropriate. I think last week's IM chat made is more obvious to both of us that the age difference makes conversation tricky. At this point, probably a store interaction would probably be the safest chance at moving forward from the odd interaction. I don't have experience in being friends with guys after there is an attraction factor. It usually goes bad and I block them on Facebook.

Which reminds me, today my ex-coworkers posted pictures of the snow at the paper office. I saw one of that last jerk I dated; the one who text-dumped while I was on vacation. Guess I know if I go by to visit my friends that I will need to meet them for lunch rather than going to the office. However, only a handful of my friends are still at the paper anyway so it isn't like it was before Stephanie and Amanda left. I still miss that field. The design thing was nice and I probably was better at that than if I have been a reporter.

Anyway, I have rattled on for nearly 1,500 words about me. It is on my list to go back to a more examination of life as a whole rather than a diary of sorts. Bear with me readers, I am in fact a work in progress. But I must go my TV shows come on soon. My shows can brighten my evenings even when the days suck.

Nothing Left to Say

Nothing Left to Say Lyrics

I chose this Imagine Dragons tune as my post soundtrack today. This song has been one of my favorites on the first album. With a lot of Imagine Dragons' songs, I kind of picture people from my past who were lost in themselves. I feel lost in myself sometimes and the songs speak to my heart. Sometimes I think listening to sad songs kind of make things worse, but in a way it is good. I mean, some people need to cry it out. I remember that "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode where Deborah listening to that song to make herself cry.

I have been pretty emotional lately and I chalk it up to several factors. However, a good bit is that February and March are not very good months generally speaking. February 2009, my first car burned and that anniversary was this week. Then in 2008, things were good for that month or so but that was short-lived. As I type this I know my readers will be like, "Good grief, it has been ages let it go!" And I have for the most part. It is just when stuff in my current life parallel events from years ago the internal dialogue changes into, "You're a fool for letting the same scenario play out again!" I kind of feel like going through and blocking more people online again for my own psyche. I was telling one friend today that I thought about leaving Facebook but if I block the ones who bother me I wouldn't have to stop talking to my close online friends.

This week of weather is supposed to be fairly terrible. I could work at the store all week when my boss texted me but I was afraid of icy roads and said I couldn't be available Monday or Tuesday. I hate to turn down money but I also do go out in icy conditions unless it is an emergency. I kind of want to be back in the store instead of being home feeling sorry for myself. However, being in the store makes me nervous. I doubt my young "friend" would come in there if he knew I was working. The worst thing about that whole deal is that I don't know where I stand. I feel kind of sheepish about the whole thing. Getting back into the store and that routine might help me mend myself though. Being at home whining isn't a good thing. Maybe folding and hanging clothes and shipping books would be good therapy. My new friend Brianna has been nice. She texted me Thursday saying she went to the store to see me and was disappointed that I wasn't there. I felt good that someone noticed my absence. I have missed seeing Joey, the maintenance man, who comes in just about every day. He was the one my coworker embarrassed by asking if he was married and tried to pair off with me. Then there is the school counselor. I think he is the nicest man and he is cute too. Brittany suggested I go see him but I would only get a crush on my therapist which would be a whole other problem. In the words of Dana Carvey "not gonna do it."

I texted my friend Calvin about how I was feeling. He has been there through most of my crazy mishaps over the past seven years. He has been really awesome; checking in and all. From the outside looking in my life a loop of hope and failure. But people keep telling me to keep trying and it will get better. Calvin suggested going to the Imagine Dragons concert in the summer. I would really like that but I fear if I went out and visited him in person the same scenario would play out and I'd lose yet another friend. And I don't want to lose someone else.

Charlene also pushes me to take chances. I have tried to do better. I mean all the goofiness of the last month was spurred by my attempt at not overthinking and acting on my immediate wants and desires. I went and met one of my Instragram friends. It was awkward and kind of unpleasant, but I did it! Flirted wildly with someone else and got at least some fun and giggles. Realized that I am not that type of girl to be spontaneous. So maybe that is a lesson in itself. Logical minds are fraught with pain and stories.

 

 

Is That Asking too Much

This year I'm Resolving to Ban Laptops from My Classroom

One of my college friends shared this article this morning. She is an older student who is now working on her PHD. We met in 2007 and had several history classes together in the two and a half years that I was there. She commented on this article saying that she will not let students have phones or laptops when she is teaching. I have to agree on that.

Technology has made people multitask too much. The article mentions students who are plugged up with headphones in class and not paying attention. I saw this when I was in college but more so in the year or so that I worked with students. While I agree that responsibility lies on the distracted student, I also know from experience that it is also distracting being around laptop note takers. Some of us are finicky with noises and the pecking on the keys is irritating. Of course, that is small potatoes but still a distracting element of being in class.

The studies mentioned in the article reflect what I have thought all along. That retention is better when handwritten. It takes more effort and for visual learners I think it also is easier to remember something that has been looked at for a longer time and perhaps more than notes. How often do people sit down at the computer to do something or read something, get online, and forget what he or she started looking for. It happens all the time.

Even as I started to write this blog post, I had the idea three hours ago and just now got back to my original idea. If more teachers and professors tried to lessen the computers in the class I suspect students would enjoy class more as they would have to be more involved in the material.

 

I remember some classes where no one seemed to be participating just sat there looking at the clock on the wall waiting to be released. Thankfully in history and mass communication classes more all of us were people who enjoyed the material and I remember lots of stirring discussions. It made for wonderful classes.

Everything I Love

"Everything I Love" by Alan Jackson gets to be my song of the post. Today is the first of 2015 and what have I done today? Been nostalgic as Hell about everything under the sun.

Neflix putting Friends on streaming got me watching one of my favorite shows of the 90's. I have watched several episodes today and some Melrose Place. It was a good day for drowning in the past. It has rained all day so I didn't have anything better to do. Watching Friends reminded me of how much I love Matthew Perry. No matter how many failed sitcoms he tries, I watch them and enjoy seeing him. I probably relate the most to Monica but I think Rachel is my favorite of the Friends girls. Sidnie told me that she likes Phoebe and Ross the best. And I obviously had a big thing for Chandler.

But I digress but nostalgia is the main theme of this post. I am 28 and I dare say that I have been nostalgic all my life. I even feel nostalgic for the 80's even though I was a small kid. Thankfully I do vividly remember things from when I was three and some of the iconic 80's things stuck into my mind. I have consistently enjoyed 80's pop and rock music all my life and the movies as well. I often wonder how it would've been to be a teen of the 80's.

As I type this I am listening to my collection of 90's country. Growing up home schooled and an only child, I had a lot of radio listening time. I was telling Justin this the other night about lying in the dark and listening to the radio and soaking it all in. I truly miss the country songs of the 90's. It is weird to prefer 80's rock and 90's country. It isn't that I didn't listen to pop of the 90's and 2000's but it didn't stick in my soul like the 90'a country. Plus, it was in the late 90's when my parents took me to Nashville the first time and that really did change my life. Nashville has become a mirage and a distraction in my life and continues to be a goal for me. The years listening to those songs on my RCA radio and taping the songs I loved most. I remember "Goodnight Sweetheart" by David Kersh. It was one of my favorites and "If I Were You" by Terri Clark. For a time stations played 90's radio shows but in my area they stopped and I miss it. However, they rarely played the obscure songs. I have a song that I may request when I call Justin's show. I haven't heard it in gosh 10 years so I want to see if he can find it to play.

Nostalgia goes beyond music as I try to push thoughts out of my mind today of two people who I have had to let go this year. One's birthday is today and the other's tomorrow. I was talking to Charlene earlier about it. I'm not falling into that memory trap because it only causes those two to win another battle. Gosh I think back on 2014 and it was really a lousy year. If this one is even a tad bit better, I'll be ahead. Nostalgia will continue regardless.

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

‘ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND': ARGUABLY, THE FINEST FILM OF THIS CENTURY.

I shared this TheCinemaholic.com article on my social media pages the other day and I wrote a brief blog of sorts. I felt like writing about it more today. It is another cold and rainy day, which only causes me to be introspective and want to think about life.

I wouldn't go as far as this author went to say it was the best movie of the century, but it is a very thought provoking film. The cinematography, music score and everything really made it shine besides the plot, characters and actors involved.  

I watched this 2004 film for the first time in probably in 2011 or 2012. It struck a cord with me as I remembered people and moments back in college. This movie made me contemplate how it is to be an extremely sentimental person. I related to Joel's (Carrey) struggle dealing with his memories of Clementine (Winslet). I contemplated a life without pesky memories while watching the film. How sweet would it be to not remember the little things? How lovely to not see traits in others who remind me of people of the past which causes you to pause with a slight twinge of pain your heart?

It goes beyond just the memories of one particular person, or it does in my case at least. It has been five years since I graduated college. It bothers me that it has been that long because in my heart it only seems like yesterday. Part of the reason it is that way is because my current job is back on campus. I cannot really escape the memories. Good, bad, happy, sad; they all play out in my mind’s eye while I am on campus. It would be nice to remove the sad memories but it would also remove aspects that were good. And furthermore, it would remove the connected positive memories with friends who were around the ones I no longer have contact with anymore.

My best friend Sidnie and I bonded through the negative actions of one person we knew. If we hadn’t had those bad memories to bond over, I might not have her in my life today. That to me makes all of the lunacy that occurred during those years worth it to me. Heck, we even invented an angst reduction game called Plinko Ball. That is the mark of a true friendship co-creating a game right? A study said that if people are friends for longer than seven years, that they will likely be lifelong friends. It will be 7 years around March of next year. I kind of hope to have some sort of “friend-a-versary” sometime next year.

Time really has flown by in regards to the positive memories. And that is another weird thing with memories. The sad stuff doesn’t seem as old and forgotten as the fun times do. Perhaps the perception of the memories. Introspective and sentimental people hang onto everything and others who aren’t move on and don’t look back. I like being sentimental because I feel that it makes me a better friend and such. But that is just me.  

So I see why in the middle of the procedure Joel changes his mind. No one would want to remember life if he or she only looked at the bad memories. It is understandable to be a pessimist. I am one because all the time that I have tried to be optimistic things come crashing down. Currently, I just try to avoid anything that will make me open up to people.

I think when the students return I will be a mute while I’m working at the bookstore. I had marginal success in some cases, but I am still feeling foolish about two incidents. I hope to redeem myself in those cases. Introverts can be really awkward but once you give us a chance we can be normal. We just need understanding and a little patience.  I suppose I have rattled enough for one post. Have a lovely day everyone.