I Wish That Wasn’t All

Today's post is named for the Joe Nichols song. Typically when I pick a song for the post title I listen to it to refresh myself on the song. Heck, I have tons of music. This song is about the things that we hope for but don't get. And it is not as much about settling, but appreciating the things we do have in life. It is a healing song though it brings me to tears every time I listen to it. Joe Nichols is one of my favorite artists because his songs are deep and he has lived a life that brings about those types of songs. I am glad that he seems happy now. It is a great song though so YouTube it if you haven't heard it.

Today I am feeling a bit numb and dead inside. It is another gray, rainy day and now it is rainy though Thursday. I don't know how I am going to cope much longer with everything being so damn depressing and the weather being bad on top of it! I had yet another defective product fiasco. I will email the company because I am litigious when something doesn't work. It was so aggravating and I genuinely feel like everything is going wrong in my life; down the little things. I freely admit to being insufferable. Yesterday wasn't that great. Mom and I got into it over my room being cluttered. I have boxes from when I lived away; kitchen stuff, posters in frames, a chair, etc. Anyway, my room at home is tiny and I don't have space for any of it. I had thought I'd be here temporarily but I have been marooned here for months. So anyway, we got into an argument over it so I boxed up some old stuff and took it to Goodwill. My room is still full and actually looks worse now. But I got some of it out of the way. While I was in town, I drove around and tried to clear my mind. It didn't really work too well.

Last night I put School of Rock on so I could laugh or feel less dead inside. It didn't really pep me up that much. I did apply for some more jobs. And some in the city where my ex-friends live. I decided I would message one of them and see if chatting with him would work. We ended up chatting for several hours. It went ok I suppose. Then I watched SNL and a couple of the skits got my laughing. The "Be Brave" (Say What You Need to Say) skit actually spurred me to tell him how I really felt about some stuff. Kind of the being brave thing. A few weeks back he posted on Facebook something about being a dog person and disliking cats. I am a cat person and I commented on it. Then my ex-friend and another friend chimed in dissing cats. The disliking cats didn't get to me as much as the three people I used to consider close friends posting together and things not being the same anymore bothered me more. Then we talked about how life makes connections change. It can go either way I suppose. I'm at about my limit of trying to stay in touch with a few old friends. If it always me reaching out; it just proves I care more and I'm not willing to keep up that charade with the people.

March has begun and praying with all hope it is better than February! Working at the store this week so will be out and about. Thursday and Friday I talked less to the customers. I didn't want to get involved into anything or talk particularly. Perhaps this week I will be a bit more alive. There are at least things to look forward to and with each passing month it gets closer to the Foreigner and Night Ranger concert in May and CMA Fest in June. Fest is always the best week of the year. I have contemplated driving up to Nashville alone once it gets warmer and pester places in person and see if I can get a job. Or maybe go out to visit Calvin and look for jobs in his city. Something needs to change soon because each passing week I am in this nowhere town; I am losing pieces of my soul.

If My Truck Could Talk

Tonight my post title is the Jason Aldean track from his "Old Boots New Dirt" album. I will go into this soon.

I wanted to write last night but I had to go to bed early. However, I had a restless night of dreams and random insomnia for what seemed like most of the night. I hate when I need to rest my brain and it fights me. The dream set me off really but given how my day went, it was about par for the course. Thankfully I did get some sleep though I was grumpy most of the day.

I went to work and it was cold and gray; not many customers. Perfect storm for getting down and depressed. Yesterday my boss and I talked about various things and she is easy to talk to most of the time. She asked me about why I thought the interviews didn't go well and I told her because I get really nervous. I mentioned to her how I was better on medication and she told me that she is also on medicine and understood the struggle. Work yesterday was fairly calm and there weren't many customers. The store radio has been stuck on the 2008-2009 station so that is bittersweet to hear those songs again. It is frustrating being stuck in a rut, but I am not alone. Lots of my friends are struggling in some area of life. I know we're taught that we are meant to endure suffering and goodness knows it could be worse. Then again it would be nice is something better came along. Today there were less customers and my boss left me to go see a person speak at the chapel service. I did get to do some research of sorts to keep my mind occupied for a bit. By the end of the day; however, I was needing to escape. The gray weather and it being dark makes me so tense and I took a drive yesterday and today to relax but it really made me more amped up and aggressive. I revved my truck and honked at people. They deserved it though. Some idiot was texting while driving and another ran a red light. I just felt very tense and even when I got home I didn't feel any better.

My mind keeps telling me the same thing, a reoccurring thing. I feel like Inception where an idea is implanted and has remained for years. All my friends tell me to get past it and I am trying. I don't know how to just decide not to believe it anymore; especially when reality keeps reinforcing my negative thought, idea, belief what have you.

Now to the meat and potatoes of my post. Despite my evening drives not helping my current depression, I do love my pickup truck. It was something I thought about for a long time and looked until I found exactly what I wanted. Bought it out right with my own money. I love that. I posted on Instagram last night about how empowering it is having my truck.

So many country songs revolve about the man driving some chick around in his truck. Admittedly, when I have been riding in trucks with boys it has been fun. Matt and I went out late one night and were down some back roads. He wasn't handsy and respected my wishes. He is a bit older, but alas we're no longer friends. I miss that friendship even though it was doomed to fail like the rest. Then, the other time was more exciting and fun; doubt it will happen again with that guy though. I am too emotional and scare off males. But at least having my own truck I can at least enjoy being up high, queen of the road. Sometimes I just cruise around with a pretty, maroon truck that growls with a dual exhaust. And since I road with the last guy, I have driven a little more aggressively so I can hear my truck more. But once I fill it up next time I will go back to driving normally. I am older and need to drive my age; not like I am 20.

The Aldean song I named this post on talks about the truck knowing dirt and secrets on its owners. My truck probably would just shake its head at me. I haven't done anything crazy in it. The previous owners probably did. Heck, I found a bullet in the tape deck months after I bought it. That freaked me out. But I have made a few trips to Sidnie's in my truck. Went to the beach last year in it. I got compliments on it from strangers and still do. I've become more of a Chevy person since I got it. I'm not one of those hateful truck people but some of my friends have made snarky comments about it. Something about having a truck is more fun. I still have my car and drive it some and it is more comfortable in a lot of ways but I don't like it as much. It is nice having an option when gas prices go up and I want to go places more often.

Tomorrow I am going to down and visit Stephanie. Mark and baby Jordan. I haven't seen them in over a month and Jordan has changed a lot. I will probably go down and visit Maggie too and make the rounds in my old town. I do hate that I moved because I met some great people in that tiny town. I think God has told me that I was wrong to quit and move home, but all I can do is try to find something else and make peace with myself. It would be easier with some medication. I think seeing my friends will help a lot. Stephanie is kind of a tough love chick sometimes and has hurt my feelings on some things but I know that she meant it in a loving way. Life is just a never ending strings of worries and what ifs. But anyway, it Is almost time for Dateline and I must go watch it. Thanks for reading if you're reading this. Blogging is always a fun hobby.

I Don't Care

Why do parents say stuff that hurts? I suppose they mean well in most cases but wow it cuts deeply. An off the cuff comment just said what my heart has been struggling with for a week.

Tonight we had a cooking show on and Mom said she wanted to go to Europe. I said I would go to Germany and see Lars. Mom goes, "I'd think your be tired of visiting guys. It doesn't go well for you."

That hurt my feelings so badly. Admittedly when I have visited guy friends, it hasn't gone well and I have felt totally lousy for over a week now from my latest mishap.

Of course I didn't tell her that she hurt my feelings because she always comes back at me that I am too weak and thin skinned. It is true and I need to feel stronger but rude comments about my failed friendships only makes me feel worse.

What really sucks it that I was having a better day overall. I had decided to be OK starting today and let it go. And I edited last night's blog and spent nearly two hours writing. It was great. I was trying to distract myself from my pain.

I chatted with my online friends. And watched Friends on Netflix. It was sleeting today so I stayed inside all day. I guess I'll be home until Wednesday when I go back to work.

My real friends (online and real life) have been supportive albeit a tad bit harsh in some ways. Stephanie made a comment tonight that kind of irked me. But after I cooled down I wrote back to her. I tend to get angry and just avoid the conflict until I get over it. She wasn't off base with her opinion but it again it just stung a bit with the current pain. I texted Calvin and told him if I ever was a pest that I could disappear. He wrote back that I was great and not to worry. That helped. I'm my own worst enemy. But I have to do better. This cannot go on much longer. Going to head to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Another Try

Well another week has passed in my boring life. It wasn't all that bad I don't suppose. However, another weekend and I'm alone. I should be used to it by now and I am but oh so tired of it. I find myself wanting to snipe at people online who are positive. I just don't have that spirit. It was passed through heredity to be negative. Mom says she is positive but really she can make anything negative; especially if it is some thing where I may or may not have acted correctly.

This week work was up and down. The students were back so I tried to tone down my personality somewhat. I thought it worked with my favorite student I had observed but after adding each other on Facebook he failed to respond to a message I sent. Oh well. Then one I thought was flirty ended up being engaged. I don't know what was the deal there. My coworker is trying to set me up with a maintenance man but my boss think that the dude has asperger's or something so that is off putting. I mean I would hope I could land a guy without developmental problems. Mom of course blamed me for my coworker doing that because I let her know I was desperate. That negative talk is soul sapping. But perhaps she's right. I tried not to overly talk too anyone. I also scared the older guy away when he was texting me about kids and I wasn't warm to the idea. I figured he was searching for a younger chick for spawn. I found the whole conversation creepy since we hadn't even dated and he gets on the kid topic.

Yesteray I had to call in sick after I got ill from the sub shop on campus. Art least I think that was the culprit. I felt terrible all Wednesday night and all day. I felt bad being sick. At least I was more accepted being sick than back at the paper. You'd get shamed into working sick and I did!

Another round of ugly weather will hurt my spirit for days. It really gets to me. The grayness just makes me sad on top of being generally depressed. I guess I should get to sleep before I drop my phone on my face while blogging. Until next time.