Telescope

I haven't written a word in ages as seen on my blog. I had a spell of being busier with my part time jobs and going places, visiting friends, going to CMA Fest and such.

CMA Fest was nice as always. Being in the Upper Deck was kind of bad but survived. It was hotter than the last few years and that was annoying. But already counting down to next year. Got back into the Club Level so it will be nicer next year.

What else has been going on? Hmm, my truck has something going wrong with it. I'm afraid to find out how bad the prognosis is but it isn't shifting correctly so that will probably drain more of my quickly depleting savings. But it is what it is.

I went to visit Rudy last weekend and that was fun. He said they were looking for another roommate and the rent was low. I don't find it really feasible to move 6 hours from my family. Nashville is the topper and worth moving away from my family but not sure about this other city. We had a good visit. I went to see a friend and he had more ideas about me than I knew. I told him I didn't want to go down that road with another dude in that city because every guy has dropped me like a bad habit because I live far away. I don't blame them anymore. Gosh my drive down there was horrible! But we had a nice time and what not. He showed me Hispanic culture and we went dancing and to some art galleries.

I have been OK emotionally for the most part. Then this week things kind of took a nose dive again. This fear that I am not going to find another good job, with insurance etc. again. I keep applying and rarely get a phone call or anything out of it. I have put Nashville on the back-burner again. I have now gone back to applying in state. I have hit the major cities and all. I don't know how to feel confident after being rejected so much. I have very little self esteem left. I felt pushed by Rudy to get out of the rut I'm in. And since coming home, I once again feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest being in this nowhere town.

I am looking into moving to Calvin's city. Since May, I have kind of seen him in a new light. A few evenings of more in depth texting kind of made me wonder how it would be to actually visit him. I had hoped to see him on the way back from my trip last week. It didn't pan out though. I feel kind of sad about it. I had inquired about his whereabouts prior to leaving. He didn't write again to see if in fact I was going to be able to meet or not. And like, maybe he decided to back away from the equation. I'm too chicken to break down and tell him that I feel more nervous about our friendship now than before. I have always felt that I needed to protect that friendship from flirting or crossing the line because even just feeling a little uneasy make me want to cry. And Lord knows, Calvin has read my whiny texts about every joker I have liked for nearly 8 years. But I haven't ever had any fears of losing him because it never got more than flirty. I feel like I shouldn't try to see him in person, maybe that was the sign to leave things alone. Part of my wants to come out and tell him what I'm feeling but then again that may be jumping the gun as I don't know anymore about him since I didn't get to see him in person. I have been just kind of in a mental spiral but it comes in waves and probably will be better fairly soon.

Guess I have whined enough. Back to the job boards.

Dream Collapsing

Watching the Oscars tonight and thinking about the movies that are my friends when I am down.

As Good as it Gets [1997]
I love it so much. I fell in love with Greg Kinnear. And I love the story and the film score. When I need a great movie I pop that into my DVD player. Nicholson's character was mean but lovable. And to see OCD in film was nice. It really can be a debilitating problem in many ways. 

Great Expectations [1998]

What can I say? I love movie when people are miserable and dealing with unrequited love. Ethan Hawke's character pining for his I love was painful and poignant. Plus he was easy on the eyes in the 90s. Paltrow's character was heartless and made no effort to help him deal with his pain. She only made it ten times worse through the film. I also enjoyed Chris Cooper's character as the rough and tumble uncle. And De Niro as the crazy convict was nice. 

He's Just not Into You [2010]
Self-explanatory that this would be my saga. I relate to embarrassingly awkward Gigi. And while I love the movie as a whole, her story-line is my favorite. That movie makes me cry every time but it is therapeutic. Somehow I always think that I will end up with a guy friend but in every case, it has only ended the friendship. That is why I am trying to avoid that fatal error again. In fact, I am trying to listen to the advice of that movie by not contacting the guy first. It is painful feeling that I am not missed or noticed and I have tried to avoid posting depressing stuff on Facebook other than some song lyrics but even that could be about other things besides a stupid misstep with another human. 

The Holiday [2006]

I have a hard time deciding between He's Just Not Into You and The Holiday as my favorite chick flick. I think the Holiday gets my vote because of how much I relate to Winslet's character. When I watch the film, sometimes I only watch her story-line. It isn't that I dislike Diaz and Law's love story but it isn't as much my life so far. I find Winslet wallowing over that awful ex so much more my speed. Gosh, I hated that guy because I had a watered down version of her story. Right down to the random engagement out of nowhere and the guy saying, "sorry kiddo." That still makes my blood boil when I think back to that time. However, I was like Winslet. I opened that door again year later. I think it was spurred by taking anti-depressants and feeling like I was invincible. Regardless, I had several months of an electric flirty friendship only to be crushed again via text. I can say today that I will never, ever open that door again. I got my gumption, wrote a handwritten letter, and said goodbye to the weirdest part of my life. I did love Jack Black's character too. That scene where he and Winslet are bemoaning love is greatness. I have the quote saved on my computer. It is so true. That "ache in places you didn't know you had inside you...you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy." That whole monologue captures the pain. But she gets over it and that is the takeaway. And Black acknowledging he went after the bad girl; knowing it was foolish. It is nice seeing the guy having to deal with a lousy woman. The movie perpetuates that friendship-to-relationship situation. I guess it works sometimes, but not in my experience. It only wrecks friendships and leaves a whole in your heart that is worse than a normal breakup. But one must hope for something better to happen. 

Reality Bites [1993]
I love this movie! It was an old movie by the time I first watched it, but the characters I relate to because they are flawed and try to find their place in society. I just enjoy that movie. Good songs in it too. Again, Ethan Hawke stole the show for me as the dark and disturbed Troy. That ends up being the type of guy I look for; even as that is foolish as hell. Ryder's character as the kind of pretentious, college graduate clawing for any kind of meaningful job it something I am well-versed in. I kind of took that route with my current situation. She had a mean boss and quit; only to have to take a lower paying job to survive. She made it and got the dark and disturbed fellow in the end. I hope to find a normal man though; one who isn't a crazy poet or something. 

500 Days of Summer [2009]
The hard look at love and longing is refreshing. Zooey and JGL shine in it. And I can relate to both characters' point of views. And while the ending irks my best friend to where she calls it "unwatchable" I forgive the cheesy ending for the rest of the movie. Who hasn't met someone and immediately thought that they were perfect? We choose to only see the great things and then tell lies to ourselves when things happen that are terrible come to the surface. Zooey's character wasn't wrong in the sense that she told him that she didn't want a relationship. At the same time, he was was also right that friends don't treat each other like she treated him! To me my favorite part was the reality-expectations sequence. I have so been there, pretty much every time I try something I have expectations that fall very short of what reality brings. I truly want to do better next time because it is very detrimental to my mental health to have a belief that things will work out.  

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind [2004]
I love this movie! Carrey and Winslet shined in this movie. I loved the premise and Joel's pain and how he needed to let go; while feeling the need to keep his memories. Been there, done that. It was such a thought provoking film. To this day, memories play out in mind's eye that hit me when I am on a certain stretch of highway. I blogged about that years ago, so that remains as a refresher to the memories. I toyed with the idea of scrapping that whole old blog because of the painful memories. I chose to keep it, setting it to private so only I can remember that time. Besides that old blog has totally unrelated stories from Junior College, vacations, time with friends and family. So it is worthwhile to keep the thing as a whole.  

The Little Mermaid [1989]
The one that started my movie loving life. I still love it, the songs and relate to Ariel. It makes me happy watching it. I have felt like Ariel quite a bit in my adult. Kind of trapped in a life where I am expected to be one person but feeling like I am not that person at all. "Part of Your World" signifies my desire to escape small town life and be in the city "where the people are." Should their be a beautiful blue eyed man there too, that would be great! But I digress. Similarly, I also love Beauty and the Beast and relate to Belle because she felt out of place in her environment and longed for more. Plus, she had the need to change a flawed man into a prince. I think most women have that need even though it never works! Even in that movie the Prince Adam changed by his choice. There is hope for people to change but they have to make that choice to grow up. 

Well, this blog is less mopey tonight. I have been wallowing in self-pity long enough and going to force myself out of my funk. It may be tricky with the bad weather and lingering cough but going to try to feel better. Regardless I will be happy by Wednesday when I am back on campus. Not going to let foolishness get to me anymore! So what if the guy didn't care to stay in touch as much as I wanted? There are other people to talk to around there. Well back to watching the Oscars.