Finest Hour

Tonight's title comes from the Duran Duran track from their Astronaut album. It has become an anthem for me over the years. It is hopeful and haunting; is my kind of song. "Gonna take it back/you've gotta fight for what you believe…" I think I need songs like that in my life right now. I really want to be happier.

Well sure enough the powers at be closed the school over the snow. I was OK with that because I didn't sleep well last night and when my alarm went off, I did not want to face that campus. I grabbed my phone and had a text from my boss saying that the campus had in fact shut down for the day. I then saw my younger school pals posting pictures of their shenanigans. However, I didn't really notice any significant entries. I went outside and took pictures of my vehicles with snow on them and that was about it.

Today I did decide to read my favorite research papers I wrote in college. It was from my junior year, my first semester at the university. My professors pushed me to prove that a community college transfer was as good as the rest. The paper was intense as it was primary-source based, and I remember spending many hours in the library looking up newspapers from the 1850s and 1860s. I loved it! I went to the local historical museum and looked up deed records and private letters of the man for which I wrote the paper. He was a prominent businessman in the town. The paper was a great process from initially choosing a topic on two homes and it morphed into the life and murder of the man who designed the homes. Gosh, I miss being in the history field. The thrill of looking into the past and my love architecture goes right along with it. Reading that paper I thought about one of the homes. It has since been converted into a bar and grill. I wonder what the architect would think about that. I was torn about it. Sure, it was nice to keep the historical home standing and redoing it. On the other hand, the addition was not historically accurate and thus makes the home less appealing in my eyes. History is lost on so many people. I don't want to sound pretentious but it is the truth. Take Nashville, for instance. The city is moving toward more modern architecture and the rapid growth of the city is making developers destroy old homes and businesses to put in modern monstrosities. I find it quite sickening. But I digress. I try not to brag because I am not that type. But that paper I was proud of and my professor gave me an A on it and it was published in the university publication with other chosen works by professors. I felt like I really accomplished something with that paper, and the other historical research papers. I wrote one on the Jewish influence in the town. I chose that topic because I felt like their story needed to me told. I interviewed a prominent Jewish couple in town and I was fascinated learning more about Judaism. That was my goal in college; to pick obscure topics. I also enjoyed combining my two fields; Mass Communication and History. The paper I wrote on Christian Camp Meetings in the 1800s was less primary-source based but still fun to research. I used articles on spatial arrangement of the meetings and communication based research factors and plugged in the historical aspects. Just remembering these papers, makes me miss learning. Then the senior thesis was the most work but probably still second favorite paper after the junior paper. I researched the historical homes in a small town just north of here and wrote a paper on how the economy of the town throughout history effected the homes. It went from being a "boom town" to "decrepit" then tourism saved it from the brink. Most of the research I did in my junior year as the internship for my Communications degree. I got in touch with a photographer who wanted to do a coffee table book on the historical homes and the various architectural styles. I ended up spending the semester writing blurbs about multiple homes and eventually the photographer did publish the book. I never got a copy, which was kind of a bummer considering I worked very hard and wrote a fair amount of it. I was given credit as a research assistant, so I least I got my name in the book. I know I tend to dwell on negative memories from my university years but on the education side, it was wonderful. I loved most of my professors and still love when I get to catch up with them. Those years really are what shape a person.

I have often felt that I have gotten dumber since 2009, because after graduating I haven't really done anything very historical on my own. When I typed and assisted Jake with his research papers in grad school that helped fill the void I had from being away from the field. I enjoyed living vicariously through his work. People often suggest I go back and get my Master's in history. Again, I feel like part of my intelligence has been lost being away from class for so long. When I was trying to tutor Brianna last week on history I felt like I couldn't communicate what I needed to in the best way. It is easy to unlearn how it is to be a student. I wasn't like most anyway. I genuinely loved it all while many blow off class or tests just to have fun. Perhaps if I have been a dorm chick I would've been that way but I lived at home. But I was OK with that because that is how I got to go to my university.

Otherwise, today I decided to fire up my keyboard and play it again. The piano is thoroughly out of tune as am I, so I plugged in my headphones and tried to relearn some of the songs I used to have memorized. I really feel ashamed that I let myself get that rusty in playing the piano. I think it will come back. My goal is to relearn the songs I played at my last recital 10 years ago. Good grief, I don't want to think about how long ago that really is even thought I have photo proof of 18-year old me. Thank God I look about the same and can still wear the same dress. That is a bright spot. It was nice playing music. I turned off all my Wi-Fi stuff and settled into my music. I need to get back into those old hobbies. I plan to pick up a paint brush again soon, once the weather gets better. It isn't ideal painting when it is overcast.

My online friends and still hanging in with my. Cameron suggested I avoid Facebook for a month. I probably need to, but I don't know if I can. I entertained doing that before. I think realizing being a "Wounded Rhino" about stupid stuff is my issue not Facebook. I did end up commenting on the guy's post today. He 'liked' some of my posts lately. Maybe I can deal with that as our communication. I would prefer a bit more than that. Who knows? I could get a job somewhere else soon. I pray that is the case, then I will meet new people who are more age appropriate. I think last week's IM chat made is more obvious to both of us that the age difference makes conversation tricky. At this point, probably a store interaction would probably be the safest chance at moving forward from the odd interaction. I don't have experience in being friends with guys after there is an attraction factor. It usually goes bad and I block them on Facebook.

Which reminds me, today my ex-coworkers posted pictures of the snow at the paper office. I saw one of that last jerk I dated; the one who text-dumped while I was on vacation. Guess I know if I go by to visit my friends that I will need to meet them for lunch rather than going to the office. However, only a handful of my friends are still at the paper anyway so it isn't like it was before Stephanie and Amanda left. I still miss that field. The design thing was nice and I probably was better at that than if I have been a reporter.

Anyway, I have rattled on for nearly 1,500 words about me. It is on my list to go back to a more examination of life as a whole rather than a diary of sorts. Bear with me readers, I am in fact a work in progress. But I must go my TV shows come on soon. My shows can brighten my evenings even when the days suck.

I Don't Care

Why do parents say stuff that hurts? I suppose they mean well in most cases but wow it cuts deeply. An off the cuff comment just said what my heart has been struggling with for a week.

Tonight we had a cooking show on and Mom said she wanted to go to Europe. I said I would go to Germany and see Lars. Mom goes, "I'd think your be tired of visiting guys. It doesn't go well for you."

That hurt my feelings so badly. Admittedly when I have visited guy friends, it hasn't gone well and I have felt totally lousy for over a week now from my latest mishap.

Of course I didn't tell her that she hurt my feelings because she always comes back at me that I am too weak and thin skinned. It is true and I need to feel stronger but rude comments about my failed friendships only makes me feel worse.

What really sucks it that I was having a better day overall. I had decided to be OK starting today and let it go. And I edited last night's blog and spent nearly two hours writing. It was great. I was trying to distract myself from my pain.

I chatted with my online friends. And watched Friends on Netflix. It was sleeting today so I stayed inside all day. I guess I'll be home until Wednesday when I go back to work.

My real friends (online and real life) have been supportive albeit a tad bit harsh in some ways. Stephanie made a comment tonight that kind of irked me. But after I cooled down I wrote back to her. I tend to get angry and just avoid the conflict until I get over it. She wasn't off base with her opinion but it again it just stung a bit with the current pain. I texted Calvin and told him if I ever was a pest that I could disappear. He wrote back that I was great and not to worry. That helped. I'm my own worst enemy. But I have to do better. This cannot go on much longer. Going to head to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.

Everyday I Write the Book

This is not my first blog experience and probably will not be my last. I have been an avid writer all of my life. I knew at a young age that I had the artist and writer genes. But that isn't my aim to go into a long winded "creation story" like all the superhero movies do. I am 28, 29 coming up in March. I feel younger, act younger, and feel trapped in a childlike life. I keep trying to break out of that with limited amounts of success. I previously blogged on here for several years. However, I did not want to have my morose college life still connected to my online blogging. I have since closed that old blog down and hope to write more in broad terms rather than personal rants on people I know. Or at least I will refrain from names and details. That is the adult way to go right?

 As I did with my old blog, I title entries on songs that go with the said topic. This one is an Elvis Costello song from the 80's. I related to it back when I was in college. I want this blog to be more about how events in life relate to larger themes in life.

I think I will write about online correspondence in my maiden post. I was late to the internet game. The first chance I had to get online was when I was 14. I was naive to it and I jumped into chat rooms and message boards for teens. It was all fun and games until I encountered some freaky acting people. I remember being scared that they'd somehow find me and get me. Ever since I have been extremely cautious with chatting with strangers. I still do not post my name or location to just anyone on the internet. People have to earn that right and a few have. Anyway, over the years I have found some pretty close friends in several states and some in other countries. I think it is just easier opening up to someone when I cannot see if they're judging me or thinking "who is this nerd?" I have battled depression and self-esteem issues my whole life. And it keep coming back to haunt me.

Over the past month, I have found more people to talk to online. And that has helped bridge the gap. I do have friends in real life. I don't want to seem like a recluse. It is just my real life friends don't live very close anymore, so I get to see them every few months. There are some I haven't seen in years, which is even sadder.

So I go back to the online thing. It is nice to have some way to express frustration and pain to someone outside of the issue. It makes the advice seem clearer. I am currently dealing with a dilemma to let bygones by bygones and forget a frustrating incident from this past summer with a friend. I told the friend I would try and I have tried. But dang it, I'm still angry. I know that I need to forgive and forget but when I'm online and see the grinning profile picture, I kind of want to block the person. Then I examine is it me that is being to hard on them? Should I just forget about it? Then my friends, online and in real life, both said I have a right to my feelings and shouldn't let the person back into my life. The topper was last night when I was asked to remove the tags on photos from the summer when I visited. I mean, really? I so wanted to be like, "Well I can just block you again and you don't have to deal with me at all." But I am trying my best to an adult and not a whiny woman, then I blog about it. I guess it is just a raw subject.

When you grow up and are teased and all, you cling to people who actually care. I tried for too long in the past to stay friends with people who didn't care one iota if we were friends or not. In this case, I think the person wants to patch things up and I want to let it go. Maybe just day by day it will improve.

I really hope that 2015 is a better year than 2014. It was just "ugh" all away around. So that is post one. Next time I hope to be less "grr" and have a meatier topic.