Telescope

I haven't written a word in ages as seen on my blog. I had a spell of being busier with my part time jobs and going places, visiting friends, going to CMA Fest and such.

CMA Fest was nice as always. Being in the Upper Deck was kind of bad but survived. It was hotter than the last few years and that was annoying. But already counting down to next year. Got back into the Club Level so it will be nicer next year.

What else has been going on? Hmm, my truck has something going wrong with it. I'm afraid to find out how bad the prognosis is but it isn't shifting correctly so that will probably drain more of my quickly depleting savings. But it is what it is.

I went to visit Rudy last weekend and that was fun. He said they were looking for another roommate and the rent was low. I don't find it really feasible to move 6 hours from my family. Nashville is the topper and worth moving away from my family but not sure about this other city. We had a good visit. I went to see a friend and he had more ideas about me than I knew. I told him I didn't want to go down that road with another dude in that city because every guy has dropped me like a bad habit because I live far away. I don't blame them anymore. Gosh my drive down there was horrible! But we had a nice time and what not. He showed me Hispanic culture and we went dancing and to some art galleries.

I have been OK emotionally for the most part. Then this week things kind of took a nose dive again. This fear that I am not going to find another good job, with insurance etc. again. I keep applying and rarely get a phone call or anything out of it. I have put Nashville on the back-burner again. I have now gone back to applying in state. I have hit the major cities and all. I don't know how to feel confident after being rejected so much. I have very little self esteem left. I felt pushed by Rudy to get out of the rut I'm in. And since coming home, I once again feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest being in this nowhere town.

I am looking into moving to Calvin's city. Since May, I have kind of seen him in a new light. A few evenings of more in depth texting kind of made me wonder how it would be to actually visit him. I had hoped to see him on the way back from my trip last week. It didn't pan out though. I feel kind of sad about it. I had inquired about his whereabouts prior to leaving. He didn't write again to see if in fact I was going to be able to meet or not. And like, maybe he decided to back away from the equation. I'm too chicken to break down and tell him that I feel more nervous about our friendship now than before. I have always felt that I needed to protect that friendship from flirting or crossing the line because even just feeling a little uneasy make me want to cry. And Lord knows, Calvin has read my whiny texts about every joker I have liked for nearly 8 years. But I haven't ever had any fears of losing him because it never got more than flirty. I feel like I shouldn't try to see him in person, maybe that was the sign to leave things alone. Part of my wants to come out and tell him what I'm feeling but then again that may be jumping the gun as I don't know anymore about him since I didn't get to see him in person. I have been just kind of in a mental spiral but it comes in waves and probably will be better fairly soon.

Guess I have whined enough. Back to the job boards.