Telescope

I haven't written a word in ages as seen on my blog. I had a spell of being busier with my part time jobs and going places, visiting friends, going to CMA Fest and such.

CMA Fest was nice as always. Being in the Upper Deck was kind of bad but survived. It was hotter than the last few years and that was annoying. But already counting down to next year. Got back into the Club Level so it will be nicer next year.

What else has been going on? Hmm, my truck has something going wrong with it. I'm afraid to find out how bad the prognosis is but it isn't shifting correctly so that will probably drain more of my quickly depleting savings. But it is what it is.

I went to visit Rudy last weekend and that was fun. He said they were looking for another roommate and the rent was low. I don't find it really feasible to move 6 hours from my family. Nashville is the topper and worth moving away from my family but not sure about this other city. We had a good visit. I went to see a friend and he had more ideas about me than I knew. I told him I didn't want to go down that road with another dude in that city because every guy has dropped me like a bad habit because I live far away. I don't blame them anymore. Gosh my drive down there was horrible! But we had a nice time and what not. He showed me Hispanic culture and we went dancing and to some art galleries.

I have been OK emotionally for the most part. Then this week things kind of took a nose dive again. This fear that I am not going to find another good job, with insurance etc. again. I keep applying and rarely get a phone call or anything out of it. I have put Nashville on the back-burner again. I have now gone back to applying in state. I have hit the major cities and all. I don't know how to feel confident after being rejected so much. I have very little self esteem left. I felt pushed by Rudy to get out of the rut I'm in. And since coming home, I once again feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest being in this nowhere town.

I am looking into moving to Calvin's city. Since May, I have kind of seen him in a new light. A few evenings of more in depth texting kind of made me wonder how it would be to actually visit him. I had hoped to see him on the way back from my trip last week. It didn't pan out though. I feel kind of sad about it. I had inquired about his whereabouts prior to leaving. He didn't write again to see if in fact I was going to be able to meet or not. And like, maybe he decided to back away from the equation. I'm too chicken to break down and tell him that I feel more nervous about our friendship now than before. I have always felt that I needed to protect that friendship from flirting or crossing the line because even just feeling a little uneasy make me want to cry. And Lord knows, Calvin has read my whiny texts about every joker I have liked for nearly 8 years. But I haven't ever had any fears of losing him because it never got more than flirty. I feel like I shouldn't try to see him in person, maybe that was the sign to leave things alone. Part of my wants to come out and tell him what I'm feeling but then again that may be jumping the gun as I don't know anymore about him since I didn't get to see him in person. I have been just kind of in a mental spiral but it comes in waves and probably will be better fairly soon.

Guess I have whined enough. Back to the job boards.

Finest Hour

Tonight's title comes from the Duran Duran track from their Astronaut album. It has become an anthem for me over the years. It is hopeful and haunting; is my kind of song. "Gonna take it back/you've gotta fight for what you believe…" I think I need songs like that in my life right now. I really want to be happier.

Well sure enough the powers at be closed the school over the snow. I was OK with that because I didn't sleep well last night and when my alarm went off, I did not want to face that campus. I grabbed my phone and had a text from my boss saying that the campus had in fact shut down for the day. I then saw my younger school pals posting pictures of their shenanigans. However, I didn't really notice any significant entries. I went outside and took pictures of my vehicles with snow on them and that was about it.

Today I did decide to read my favorite research papers I wrote in college. It was from my junior year, my first semester at the university. My professors pushed me to prove that a community college transfer was as good as the rest. The paper was intense as it was primary-source based, and I remember spending many hours in the library looking up newspapers from the 1850s and 1860s. I loved it! I went to the local historical museum and looked up deed records and private letters of the man for which I wrote the paper. He was a prominent businessman in the town. The paper was a great process from initially choosing a topic on two homes and it morphed into the life and murder of the man who designed the homes. Gosh, I miss being in the history field. The thrill of looking into the past and my love architecture goes right along with it. Reading that paper I thought about one of the homes. It has since been converted into a bar and grill. I wonder what the architect would think about that. I was torn about it. Sure, it was nice to keep the historical home standing and redoing it. On the other hand, the addition was not historically accurate and thus makes the home less appealing in my eyes. History is lost on so many people. I don't want to sound pretentious but it is the truth. Take Nashville, for instance. The city is moving toward more modern architecture and the rapid growth of the city is making developers destroy old homes and businesses to put in modern monstrosities. I find it quite sickening. But I digress. I try not to brag because I am not that type. But that paper I was proud of and my professor gave me an A on it and it was published in the university publication with other chosen works by professors. I felt like I really accomplished something with that paper, and the other historical research papers. I wrote one on the Jewish influence in the town. I chose that topic because I felt like their story needed to me told. I interviewed a prominent Jewish couple in town and I was fascinated learning more about Judaism. That was my goal in college; to pick obscure topics. I also enjoyed combining my two fields; Mass Communication and History. The paper I wrote on Christian Camp Meetings in the 1800s was less primary-source based but still fun to research. I used articles on spatial arrangement of the meetings and communication based research factors and plugged in the historical aspects. Just remembering these papers, makes me miss learning. Then the senior thesis was the most work but probably still second favorite paper after the junior paper. I researched the historical homes in a small town just north of here and wrote a paper on how the economy of the town throughout history effected the homes. It went from being a "boom town" to "decrepit" then tourism saved it from the brink. Most of the research I did in my junior year as the internship for my Communications degree. I got in touch with a photographer who wanted to do a coffee table book on the historical homes and the various architectural styles. I ended up spending the semester writing blurbs about multiple homes and eventually the photographer did publish the book. I never got a copy, which was kind of a bummer considering I worked very hard and wrote a fair amount of it. I was given credit as a research assistant, so I least I got my name in the book. I know I tend to dwell on negative memories from my university years but on the education side, it was wonderful. I loved most of my professors and still love when I get to catch up with them. Those years really are what shape a person.

I have often felt that I have gotten dumber since 2009, because after graduating I haven't really done anything very historical on my own. When I typed and assisted Jake with his research papers in grad school that helped fill the void I had from being away from the field. I enjoyed living vicariously through his work. People often suggest I go back and get my Master's in history. Again, I feel like part of my intelligence has been lost being away from class for so long. When I was trying to tutor Brianna last week on history I felt like I couldn't communicate what I needed to in the best way. It is easy to unlearn how it is to be a student. I wasn't like most anyway. I genuinely loved it all while many blow off class or tests just to have fun. Perhaps if I have been a dorm chick I would've been that way but I lived at home. But I was OK with that because that is how I got to go to my university.

Otherwise, today I decided to fire up my keyboard and play it again. The piano is thoroughly out of tune as am I, so I plugged in my headphones and tried to relearn some of the songs I used to have memorized. I really feel ashamed that I let myself get that rusty in playing the piano. I think it will come back. My goal is to relearn the songs I played at my last recital 10 years ago. Good grief, I don't want to think about how long ago that really is even thought I have photo proof of 18-year old me. Thank God I look about the same and can still wear the same dress. That is a bright spot. It was nice playing music. I turned off all my Wi-Fi stuff and settled into my music. I need to get back into those old hobbies. I plan to pick up a paint brush again soon, once the weather gets better. It isn't ideal painting when it is overcast.

My online friends and still hanging in with my. Cameron suggested I avoid Facebook for a month. I probably need to, but I don't know if I can. I entertained doing that before. I think realizing being a "Wounded Rhino" about stupid stuff is my issue not Facebook. I did end up commenting on the guy's post today. He 'liked' some of my posts lately. Maybe I can deal with that as our communication. I would prefer a bit more than that. Who knows? I could get a job somewhere else soon. I pray that is the case, then I will meet new people who are more age appropriate. I think last week's IM chat made is more obvious to both of us that the age difference makes conversation tricky. At this point, probably a store interaction would probably be the safest chance at moving forward from the odd interaction. I don't have experience in being friends with guys after there is an attraction factor. It usually goes bad and I block them on Facebook.

Which reminds me, today my ex-coworkers posted pictures of the snow at the paper office. I saw one of that last jerk I dated; the one who text-dumped while I was on vacation. Guess I know if I go by to visit my friends that I will need to meet them for lunch rather than going to the office. However, only a handful of my friends are still at the paper anyway so it isn't like it was before Stephanie and Amanda left. I still miss that field. The design thing was nice and I probably was better at that than if I have been a reporter.

Anyway, I have rattled on for nearly 1,500 words about me. It is on my list to go back to a more examination of life as a whole rather than a diary of sorts. Bear with me readers, I am in fact a work in progress. But I must go my TV shows come on soon. My shows can brighten my evenings even when the days suck.

I Don't Care

Why do parents say stuff that hurts? I suppose they mean well in most cases but wow it cuts deeply. An off the cuff comment just said what my heart has been struggling with for a week.

Tonight we had a cooking show on and Mom said she wanted to go to Europe. I said I would go to Germany and see Lars. Mom goes, "I'd think your be tired of visiting guys. It doesn't go well for you."

That hurt my feelings so badly. Admittedly when I have visited guy friends, it hasn't gone well and I have felt totally lousy for over a week now from my latest mishap.

Of course I didn't tell her that she hurt my feelings because she always comes back at me that I am too weak and thin skinned. It is true and I need to feel stronger but rude comments about my failed friendships only makes me feel worse.

What really sucks it that I was having a better day overall. I had decided to be OK starting today and let it go. And I edited last night's blog and spent nearly two hours writing. It was great. I was trying to distract myself from my pain.

I chatted with my online friends. And watched Friends on Netflix. It was sleeting today so I stayed inside all day. I guess I'll be home until Wednesday when I go back to work.

My real friends (online and real life) have been supportive albeit a tad bit harsh in some ways. Stephanie made a comment tonight that kind of irked me. But after I cooled down I wrote back to her. I tend to get angry and just avoid the conflict until I get over it. She wasn't off base with her opinion but it again it just stung a bit with the current pain. I texted Calvin and told him if I ever was a pest that I could disappear. He wrote back that I was great and not to worry. That helped. I'm my own worst enemy. But I have to do better. This cannot go on much longer. Going to head to bed and hope for a better tomorrow.