Tonight my post title is the Jason Aldean track from his "Old Boots New Dirt" album. I will go into this soon.
I wanted to write last night but I had to go to bed early. However, I had a restless night of dreams and random insomnia for what seemed like most of the night. I hate when I need to rest my brain and it fights me. The dream set me off really but given how my day went, it was about par for the course. Thankfully I did get some sleep though I was grumpy most of the day.
I went to work and it was cold and gray; not many customers. Perfect storm for getting down and depressed. Yesterday my boss and I talked about various things and she is easy to talk to most of the time. She asked me about why I thought the interviews didn't go well and I told her because I get really nervous. I mentioned to her how I was better on medication and she told me that she is also on medicine and understood the struggle. Work yesterday was fairly calm and there weren't many customers. The store radio has been stuck on the 2008-2009 station so that is bittersweet to hear those songs again. It is frustrating being stuck in a rut, but I am not alone. Lots of my friends are struggling in some area of life. I know we're taught that we are meant to endure suffering and goodness knows it could be worse. Then again it would be nice is something better came along. Today there were less customers and my boss left me to go see a person speak at the chapel service. I did get to do some research of sorts to keep my mind occupied for a bit. By the end of the day; however, I was needing to escape. The gray weather and it being dark makes me so tense and I took a drive yesterday and today to relax but it really made me more amped up and aggressive. I revved my truck and honked at people. They deserved it though. Some idiot was texting while driving and another ran a red light. I just felt very tense and even when I got home I didn't feel any better.
My mind keeps telling me the same thing, a reoccurring thing. I feel like Inception where an idea is implanted and has remained for years. All my friends tell me to get past it and I am trying. I don't know how to just decide not to believe it anymore; especially when reality keeps reinforcing my negative thought, idea, belief what have you.
Now to the meat and potatoes of my post. Despite my evening drives not helping my current depression, I do love my pickup truck. It was something I thought about for a long time and looked until I found exactly what I wanted. Bought it out right with my own money. I love that. I posted on Instagram last night about how empowering it is having my truck.
So many country songs revolve about the man driving some chick around in his truck. Admittedly, when I have been riding in trucks with boys it has been fun. Matt and I went out late one night and were down some back roads. He wasn't handsy and respected my wishes. He is a bit older, but alas we're no longer friends. I miss that friendship even though it was doomed to fail like the rest. Then, the other time was more exciting and fun; doubt it will happen again with that guy though. I am too emotional and scare off males. But at least having my own truck I can at least enjoy being up high, queen of the road. Sometimes I just cruise around with a pretty, maroon truck that growls with a dual exhaust. And since I road with the last guy, I have driven a little more aggressively so I can hear my truck more. But once I fill it up next time I will go back to driving normally. I am older and need to drive my age; not like I am 20.
The Aldean song I named this post on talks about the truck knowing dirt and secrets on its owners. My truck probably would just shake its head at me. I haven't done anything crazy in it. The previous owners probably did. Heck, I found a bullet in the tape deck months after I bought it. That freaked me out. But I have made a few trips to Sidnie's in my truck. Went to the beach last year in it. I got compliments on it from strangers and still do. I've become more of a Chevy person since I got it. I'm not one of those hateful truck people but some of my friends have made snarky comments about it. Something about having a truck is more fun. I still have my car and drive it some and it is more comfortable in a lot of ways but I don't like it as much. It is nice having an option when gas prices go up and I want to go places more often.
Tomorrow I am going to down and visit Stephanie. Mark and baby Jordan. I haven't seen them in over a month and Jordan has changed a lot. I will probably go down and visit Maggie too and make the rounds in my old town. I do hate that I moved because I met some great people in that tiny town. I think God has told me that I was wrong to quit and move home, but all I can do is try to find something else and make peace with myself. It would be easier with some medication. I think seeing my friends will help a lot. Stephanie is kind of a tough love chick sometimes and has hurt my feelings on some things but I know that she meant it in a loving way. Life is just a never ending strings of worries and what ifs. But anyway, it Is almost time for Dateline and I must go watch it. Thanks for reading if you're reading this. Blogging is always a fun hobby.
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